Fuckin’ a. Since grade school, I’ve been a pessimist. Luckily, humor, love, and sports prevent me from throwing myself off a cliff and into an pool of sharp things pointing upward. My aim for this – and upcoming Why I Hate Things blogs – is to discover why it all went pessimistic in my life.
I was in 3rd grade and doing a science experiment in class. The teacher had us messing around with magnets for a half-hour. I looked over at my rival classmate, whom I took a beating from in dodgeball earlier in the day. His face, so innocent looking, was only a stone’s throw away – or should I say, a magnet’s throw away……….wait a minute, that was a great day, actually. Wrong story. Let’s fast forward a year.
In 4th grade, I was in love with Jie – the second finest Chinese girl my grade had to offer. She was a very polarizing figure; either smiling or snarling, never in between. She had the type of height not even Willow would envy.
For a week straight, I chased Jie around the playground for all of recess – true love. The question wasn’t if, but when would I make a move on her. Back then, the only move I comprehended was elopement. My dad never taught me the ways of the gallant. Had he done so, I would have gotten this girl drunk on Hawaiian Punch and sugar stix and made out with her inside the tubed slide. YUCK, did I just say tubed slide? That sounds like a euphemism for an uncircumcised penis. Look below, that’s what I mean by tubed slide. BLECH! Awful term.
At that age, no kid knows the meaning of love – but looking back, I think it was just that. Love. You don’t have to be a certain age to love something (like a love doll) or someone (like a girl), you just feel it in your heart. I decided I was going to propose to Jie, which is the same moment I got my first boner. And soon I would learn: Follow your heart, not your dick.
Obviously I couldn’t buy her a ring, so I had to scramble around for something just as meaningful – maybe a barbie doll, a slap bracelet, or some candy. But I thought to myself, am I really going to propose to the love of my pre-adolescent life with skittles? Then came art class…
Instead of drawing gay pictures with everyone, I took a piece of cardboard, cut a thin slice, and taped it together in the shape of a ring. When the teacher walked by, I started drawing randomly and violently to make it seem as though I was working on our assignment. And if she were to ask, what the hell are you drawing? I was prepared to tell her that my ugly, confusing, aimless, drawing was contemporary art, true to form – I was a witty one.
After piecing the cardboard ring together, I took a silver permanent marker and drew around the outside of the ring. I didn’t draw on the inside because I didn’t want it to rub off on her skin – true love.
I started walking up to Jie. She was very focused on her drawing. She’s so small. Funny, that’s how I like ’em today (I mean small, not young. You sick fuck. Stay focused here). She didn’t see me approach as I kneeled at her side. I blurted it out, “Jie, will you marry me.” She turned her head quickly (Asians are so quick).
Everyone in the class started laughing. Jie stood up, took my ring………….and crushed it. She had an angry demeanor as she walked away from me. She thought I was trying to embarrass her. And so did the teacher. I was sent to the Principal’s office. He told me to leave Jie alone for a while. I should have told him to do the same with his wife and see how that feels.
Two weeks later, I never saw Jie again. She moved back to China.
I was so depressed. It wasn’t until 6th grade – two years later – that I would get my next boner. And once again, it was deflated by an unrequited love.