“I saw Obama using computer night before shutdown of government,” said Rosita LaQuinta, the White House cleaner, who dusts and vacuums Obama’s study room every Monday. “The internet was not working for him, and he could not watch replays of football game.”
In her broken English, Rosita went on to tell us that Obama, frustrated by the crappy internet connection, used an old-school trick to fix it.
“He turned off modem,” Rosita said. “Then he waited couple minutes. Then he turned on modem. And the internet started working again. Dios Mio! It was magical! But shhhh. Don’t tell no one I spy on Mister Barack. Or I get in very lot of trouble.”
Upon finding out that White House cleaner, Rosita, spied on his internet activities, Obama had her immediately deported and her trusty 20-year-old duster was burned at the stake.
Were the Democrats and Republicans – who haven’t had a solid connection since 1865 – influenced by Obama’s internet fix?
According to a source that wishes to remain nameless or perhaps doesn’t exist, Obama revealed the truth about the government shutdown in a private conversation with Michelle Obama under the covers.
“Hey baby… HEY BABY, WAKE UP!” Obama said to Michelle while shaking her shoulder. “I think I’m gonna shut down the government, then turn it on again. Just like my internet today. Maybe that will make it work again?…”
“You woke me up to tell me that bullshit?” Michelle barked back at the President. “Of course that’s gonna work. Shut that shit down, but more importantly, shut yourself up and get to sleep.”
Obama quickly jumped out of bed, called NSTAR Electric, waited on hold for 30 minutes because all operators were busy, and once he got through he asked a representative to shut down the government at exactly midnight.
At Obama’s request, NSTAR is prepared to turn the government back on, where it will once again be quasi operational.