According to WAVY-TV, two seventh-grade boys from Virginia are being suspended from school for a year because they were playing with a toy gun in a residential backyard.
The toy gun used by the boys – known as a pellet gun – is said to be so powerful that it can temporarily annoy street rats and field mice, but not to the point where they would be harmed.
“We shot a lot of rats, but the pellets never hurt them,” one of the boys said. “The rats just kind of stare at you as if they’re saying ‘mother fucker, why the fuck did you shoot me?’ and then they walk away like nothing happened.”
Asked how they felt about being suspended for the year, the boys responded in unison to the tune of an Englebert Humperdinck song, “I’ve had… the time of my life…”
During this suspension the two boys have been playing sports during class hours, getting sugar highs while playing video games on a nightly basis, and waking up every day at noon; also known as heaven to a 12-year-old boy.
“Maybe next time I’ll bring a Nerf gun to school and be suspended for life!” one of the boys exclaimed excitedly while drooling at the mouth from the idea.
Since news of the suspension broke out, toy-gun sales have skyrocketed across the United States. Children are buying Nerf and pellet guns at an alarming rate to get purposefully suspended by their schools.
“Whatever me have to do to get me suspended, that’s what me gonna do. Me buy toy gun, so me no more have school go to,” said a future non-valedictorian student from West Virginia.
The suspension – what school officials thought would be a punishment for the boys – has, in fact, turned into a reward. But that’s not even remotely the most troubling part of the story.
Investigators are now questioning the Virginia boys’ parents to find out why their kids were exposed to Englebert Humperdinck music, which is considered a form of psychological abuse in 27 states.
“Humperdinck music has a very interesting effect on the human body and mind,” a scientist from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said after consuming four tequila shots and six beers. “Because of its sheer awfulness, Humperdinck music can seriously aggravate your intestines, leading to discomfort in the neck area, whereupon that discomfort streams to the brain in the form of severe frustration.”
This might explain why the boys were so frustrated and had the need to shoot pellets at rats. Investigators are using the Humperdinck theory to charge the parents with ‘exposure of trashy music to a minor’.
“We’re taking this case very seriously,” said the Chief of Police. “Forcing a child to listen to Englebert Humperdinck is worse than child neglect; it’s malicious torture. And I find these parents to be extremely sick in the head.”
The Humperdinck compact discs have been confiscated from the parents’ homes. If found guilty of Humperdinck exposure, the parents will be banned from Amazon.com for three weeks.