1) A Man in a Patriots or Red Sox Hat Driving a White Pickup Truck with an Unknown License Plate Number
I came home to a furious wife the other night. Nine times out of 10 that means I did something wrong. Watching my wife huffing and puffing, I wondered what it was that I did to make her so upset.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I asked, anxious to hear the bad news. I expected the answer to be one of the following: “You didn’t buy the milk again!” or “You left a ketchup stain on the rug!” or “Why is that dirty pan still in the sink? I told you to clean it yesterday!”
All were true. I just hoped she only knew about one of them.
“I was driving today,” my wife said. “And some asshole rolled down his window and called me a cunt!”
She wasn’t mad at me. She was mad at someone else! I felt like celebrating.
“I mean seriously!” my wife went on. “Who calls a girl a cunt?!”
“Who was this guy?” I asked while getting an erection from the excitement of not being at fault for anything.
“Some jerkface in a white pickup truck. He was wearing a Patriots hat… or it might have been a Red Sox hat.”
Unfortunately she didn’t get the guy’s license plate number. Maybe I need to go out on a manhunt with the Boston Jew fans. Let’s find this moron in the white pickup truck, drag him back to my apartment, and force him onto his hands and knees to beg for mercy from my little wife as he kisses her feet. And if he plans on kissing anything above her adorably tiny, smelly feet, I will punish him by making him smell mine.
I’m asking everyone to share this blog with your friends in the New England area. Email me your photos of any white pickup trucks driven by men in Patriots or Red Sox hats. We are going to find this guy and have him apologize to my wife. And then I want to shake his hand because due to his vulgarity, my wife was forced to be upset with someone other than me for a change. God bless him.
2) Russell Peters
Normally I love Russell Peters, but on one particular night I hated him because he forced my wife to cheat on me.
My wife was watching Russell Peters, an internationally known stand-up comedian, and she could not stop laughing. She laughed so hard that she let out a fart. It’s one thing to laugh at another guy’s jokes, but you cross the line when you allow that guy to affect your bowels. So I see that as a form of cheating.
The only thing I have going for me in this marriage is humor. I make my wife laugh on a daily basis. When other people make her laugh, it makes me jealous. So fuck you, Russell Peters. Those fart laughs are for me and me alone.
3) Alex Jones, The #1 American Conspiracy Theorist
Alex Jones is the lead puppet for the confederation of conspiracy theorists of America. You can find his witchcraft of a website at www.infowars.com (I hate that I just gave that douche bag a plug).
Basically the premise of his website is to prove that everything the government does is a conspiracy to strip Americans of their rights.
His theory on the Boston Marathon bombings is that the American government set up the attacks and the shootout with the Tsarnaev brothers for two reasons:
1) So that the government would have another reason to amend gun laws.
2) So the government could continue its overseas war on terror.
Earth to Alex Jones, America doesn’t need fake reasons to go to war. In fact, sometimes we go to war for no reason! So there goes your theory.
Heck, I bet he thinks Twinkies going out of business was a government-led conspiracy to boost the sales of healthy snacks.
I’m more terrified of a southern American conspiracy theorist than I am a radical Muslim. Why? Because in addition to being radical, these Americans are clinically insane and within our own borders. And what’s worse is they aren’t even behind bars. They should be held in maximum-security psychiatric hospitals. But instead, these people are your next-door neighbors; that is, if you live in the deep south and your cousin is your wife and your sister is your mistress.
We have the audacity to judge the North Korean media, all the while within our own borders attention whores like Alex Jones are publishing anti-government articles and, in effect, attempting to start a second civil war. Like a virus, Alex Jones’ twisted concept of reality is infecting the minds of young and dumb adults, primarily losers in the south who own guns and shoot beer bottles when they’re bored or on a romantic date.
I hope to God that someone pulls the plug on infowars.com because it’s pure propaganda.
Now if you will please excuse me. I have to go wash that pan before my wife realizes it’s still dirty.
Here’s part of the Russell Peters bit that made my wife fart:
The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.