Here’s an urban myth I just proved wrong. I was completely naked, staring down at my cactus-like member. I put on my size-9 shoes, remaining flaccid. Then I took those off and tried on my friend’s size-11 shoes that he left at the apartment. Just as I suspected, shoe size has nothing to do with penis size. There was no difference in my penis length from when I wore the size-9 shoes to the size 11s. It was only when my fiancee entered the room in her spandex sportswear that I noticed any growth.
Jerry Sandusky is going to jail with criminals who haven’t seen the light of day or smelled the scent of a woman in years. Not having sex for the first 21 years of my life, I’ve experienced similar feelings to that of a prisoner: epically sexually frustrating. That’s why I can’t blame anyone in jail for turning gay or using other men as a sex object. In fact, I believe that’s the only way a man can stay sane in that type of situation. I wonder, though: are we sending Sandusky to a 30-year honeymoon? Men will be groping him, and he’ll be snuggling with “bears”. For Sandusky, the only thing more heavenly would be juvenile prison. We should have sent him to his worst nightmare: a women’s prison.
Why won’t my fiancee, mother or future mother-in-law let me put my elbows on the table while I eat? Who made up the rules that you have to sit uncomfortably in order to act polite? Wouldn’t the polite thing be to let people ENJOY themselves at the dinner table? Eating is supposed to be pleasurable. I’m not trying to impress anyone besides my pallet. Let me stuff my face with that brisket and stop disrespecting the most underrated body part on a human; the elbow. The elbow NEVER gets any slack. Why can’t the elbow just chill out on the table once in a while? It’s always twisting and bending, suspended in the air, bumping into things; let the elbow relax! And don’t even get me started on the “right” way to hold utensils. The same people who police you at the dinner table are probably using forks at Japanese restaurants. Hypocrites.
Parents who think video games deteriorate children’s brains should take the nearest used sock and stuff their mouths. If they plan to swallow that sock, I suggest they chew on it thoroughly. Hopefully the foot sweat seeping into their throat doesn’t cause them to gag or choke on the sock because I don’t want them to die, I just want them to understand: Video games are educational. Today I played Red Dead Redemption – a video game about a Western Cowboy in the 1800s who kills criminals for pay. It taught me something I hadn’t known before: donkeys are excellent climbers. I learned this while my horse kept struggling in the steep desert hills and valleys. But then I noticed a Mexican on a donkey travelling with ease up and down the terrain. So I kicked him off the saddle and stole his ugly equine. Normally I shoot everyone in the game, criminal or civilian, but I decided to let this hard worker live and left him with my $500-horse. I actually lost money in that successful mugging because horses are more valuable than donkeys. Can you imagine robbing someone and giving them more money than you take from them? That’s basically what I did. Anyway, had I never played this video game, I’d be without the knowledge of donkey climbing. No parent or professor on the east coast could ever provide me with this valuable information. My advice for parents is to buy your children as many video games as possible and get rid of their curfew so they can play all night.