You are a nicer person than me.
Because you’re a nicer person, you get invited to way more weddings. In turn, I become slightly jealous. That feeling of jealousy immediately withers considering how much money you spend on all those flight tickets, hotel rooms and wedding gifts… So I guess it doesn’t pay to be nice.
You are a slightly better cook than me.
You post photos of your mediocrely cooked dinner. You’re like a child who just pooped in a potty for the first time and needs to show off to his parents. Let me tell you something – both you the food-poster and the kid who just pooped – NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! And no matter which way you make it, kale should not be in the food-group pyramid. Period.
You probably have friends that would be willing to help you move into a new home. I beg random foreigners and then I have to pay them.People you invite to your Facebook events ACTUALLY SHOW UP! Whenever I create an event, I’m lucky if my wife shows up.
When you invite me to your shitty Facebook events I feel as if you really like me for a moment – like I’m special to you. After all, you took the time to think about me when creating this Facebook invite list. But then I see how many other people were invited: 1,457. Hey, way to make me feel special, asshole. I would actually feel more special if you DID NOT invite me to the event because in essence you’d be telling me, “Hey, of the thousands of names on Facebook, I skipped over yours because I didn’t want to annoy you with an invite to an event you weren’t going to anyway.”
On Facebook you “like” the 1800PetMeds page, even though you don’t have a pet. You “like” GoGurt, even though you only eat Yoplait and Chobani. Even though you only own two pairs of their jeans, you have the audacity to “like” Levi’s, all the while you own 15 boxers and 23.5 pairs of socks from Hanes and you never once gave them a “like.”
You make me feel like the Hanes of the clothing industry; under-appreciated. 88% of you read this on a weekly to bi-weekly basis while never once “liking” a post; as if you love to read me but you hate to give me credit. Do we have a love-hate relationship?… Well good, the feeling is mutual.
You beg farmers to free their chickens from the cage. Just relax and trust me: There are sunnier days ahead for those chickens.
You ride a bicycle without gears. Jerk.
You complete triathlons without ever breaking a sweat. Double Jerk.
I really can’t stand it when you say words that end in ‘sps‘ or ‘sts.’ You know, words whose third-to-last and last letters are ‘s.’ For instance, ‘wasps’ and ‘posts.’ Those ‘sts’ and ‘sps’ sounds are absolutely petrifying. Why are they even in the English language? Stop using them. Stop using those words now!
You tell me things like “It’s National Silly Socks Day” and “It’s National Hug Your Cat Day”. Great, go hug your cat in private. You probably do anyways because no one wants to hug you in those damn socks.
You have spoiled a movie for someone at least once in your life. Were you dropped as a baby? Did the teacher nail you on the head with a brick instead of the ruler? Spoiling a movie is one of the first sins we learn about in school. You don’t fuck it up for everyone else just because you were the first to watch it. This isn’t a race. You don’t get a prize for being the first to announce the conclusion of a movie.
HAHA! You’re still crying about caged birds. You know how many caged cows get slaughtered every day and I’ve never seen you drop a tear for them once? Fuck the chicken. Save the cow.
You probably volunteer for charitable events without thinking it’s a scam or ‘what’s in it for me?’ HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU: EVERY FUNDRAISER IS A SCHEME TO FUND A MILLIONAIRE’S BANKROLL.
Your hair doesn’t get puffy when you brush it.
Even though I’m insulting you, you still kind of like me. After reading this, if you have an ounce of compassion left in you, SUBSCRIBE TO MY PODCAST!
…but you probably won’t.
The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.