For the last six years I’ve been emailing Webster’s and Oxford’s Dictionaries every month to inform them that our English language is broken and they have an obligation to fix it. In so many areas it makes no sense. We have letters without purpose, words with multiple meanings, acronyms for idiotic phrases, and ignorant teachers.
Here’s the major issues I have with English:
How about we save some ink and just erase the silent letter altogether. Isn’t that the same thing? Does a knife really need the ‘k’? What’s wrong with writing ‘nife’?
Zoology is a perfect example of this. Most of you pronounce it “zoo-OHL-logy.” That makes it sound like there should be an extra ‘O’ in the word; zooology. Obviously incorrect. It’s pronounced ZOH-OHL-OGY.
These old, white-haired, backwards thinking, self-proclaimed scholarly professors tell students not to use Wikipedia as a reference. Then they have the audacity and hypocrisy to use it themselves when they’re unprepared for a class and need a quick review. When has Wikipedia ever failed us? Hey Professor, prove to me that it’s false information. Out of the thousands of Wiki pages I’ve read over the years, I haven’t once seen an inaccuracy. I believe the main reason academia opposes Wikipedia is because it completely obliterates the necessity for buying textbooks. Who needs that 500-page, $175 economics book when you can just Google and Wikipedia everything? The internet has changed the world for the better. We can find information about anything within seconds. Today, college professors are stuck in the 1980’s mindset, when the library was their Wikipedia, and learning a subject took twice as long. Why should our young adults be forced to study at that same snail’s pace? Professors, we’re not trying to cheat you, we’re just trying to study smarter.
OMG, LOL, WTF, NM, FML. YOLO. Stop it with these acronyms. Stop it NOW. And by “NOW”, I don’t mean ‘Nude Owl Watching.’ Although that is pretty sexy now that I think about it.
Any word that has the letter ‘R’ close to the end is impossible for a true Bostonian to pronounce. Pahk=Park. Cahh=Car. Beeah=Beer. For those in Boston who were raised with a 25-letter alphabet, it’s time to relearn a few preschool lessons and add that elusive ‘R’ to your verbal rrrepertoire. Shockingly, these lingually handicapped Bostonians can pronounce the ‘R’ for one word, and that word doesn’t even have an ‘R’ in it: They pronounce “idea” as “idee-er.”
“Bill” means a proposed law. “Bill” means the beak of a bird. Or it can be my ridiculously overpriced cable “Bill.” And “Bill” is the name of my favorite Guess Who character.
I want the Guess Who Bill to be saved, and all other “Bills” deleted from my dictionary. But I’ll take the $100-“Bill” and go to Vegas with it, especially if Guess Who Bill comes with. The man looks like he knows how to party. Look at those red cheeks. He’s easily downed five whiskey shots before posing for Hasbro.