I received a call from my buddy, “Hey! I got two free Patriots tickets for you. I can’t go. You want them?”

Well, obviously I want them. They’re free and the game is on a Friday night! Normally NFL games are on Sundays, but this was preseason.

I grab the tickets from my friend who stuck them in the envelope. I took a quick peek inside to make sure they were actually in there. Not because I don’t trust him, but you never know when someone may be forgetful… Okay, and maybe it’s because I’m an OCD, neurotic, over-anlaytic human jerk.

I say thank you, and when I get home I gloat with my wife. As she looks at the tickets, she noticed something at the bottom…

It says, NON-ALCOHOL SECTION in big, bold letters. Did my friend just pull a prank on me? Can I actually call him a friend anymore?

I didn’t even know non-alcoholic sections existed! It’s a good idea for the kids and recovering alcoholics, but you can imagine my bittersweet feeling at that moment. It was deflating.

Yeah, it’s great to get free tickets, but the sadness of not being able to drink alcohol in my seat brings me back to the feeling I had before I even received those tickets: neutral and blasé–it almost felt like I wasn’t even going to the game.

I know I’m going to be in those seats, but I’m not pumped at all. I will be in a state of existentialism. Things will be happening around me–fans going crazy, Tom Brady throwing pinpoint passes, Cam Newton with a couple incredible scrambles– and I will exist with those things happening, but I won’t be the typical fanatic that I would be with alcohol in my system.

I will be neither a positive or negative force in that stadium. I will just be a bland viewer of the game. Similar to how I would watch a commercial about life insurance; I see that it’s there, but I’m just not affected by it.

So, thank you, Mr. Bob Kraft and Gillette Stadium, because of this non-alcoholic section you have made watching a Patriots game as interesting as a life insurance commercial.

Go Pats!