Disclosure: I’m a man and my opinion on this matter has about as much worth as Kwacha, the currency in Zambia. For clarification, one Kwacha currently equals 0.00019 US Dollars.

The Supreme Court just Dikembe Mutombo’d Obamacare’s Contraception Coverage Plan. Certain companies will have the authority to decide whether their employee’s health plans cover contraception. I have a feeling I know at least four of the idiots who voted against women’s choice.

This basically means that young, horny girls working for rich, religious jerks have to start learning how to close their legs. And that old, horny men have to learn how to pull out. But at least young, horny guys have nothing to worry about; they can continue watching internet porn and using their right hand with lotion.

I’m disappointed that a group of old, despicable MEN–also known as Supreme Court Justices–who look like they haven’t had sex in 50 years decided the fate of WOMEN’S vaginas. But maybe that’s exactly why they voted against pro-choice. Because who in their right mind, with a healthy and sex-filled lifestyle, would vote against safe sex..? You guessed it: only the devil.

Today, men barely have the right to tell their wives to do the dishes. So if you’re not a gynecologist, then you clearly have no authority to tell a woman what to do with her vagina! That’s like a woman telling a man, “YOU HAVE TO SIT ON THE TOILET WHEN YOU PEE!”

No. I’m not sitting on the toilet. I’m standing and pissing. And if my aim is askew here and there, I’ll clean it up. You can trust me. But we can all agree that you can’t trust me if I don’t have a condom or you’re not on the pill.

Insulting is the government’s ignorance on the separation of church and state. I’m writing “church” in that sentence lowercase because I have no respect for an organization that bases its values on fairy tales that attempt to dictate our way of life. Just because the snake convinced Eve to eat from the fruit of knowledge doesn’t mean you can tell me what materials to use while having sex with my wife.

If you really want to know who’s the snake in this story, it’s the slithering disease of religion infecting what should be a secular government.

Why can’t the religious fanatics in this country just leave us alone? They can fantasize in their fairy tale life, and we’ll exist in our real-world one. You know, the one where a 22-year-old girl making $12 an hour goes to party on the weekend, gets drunk, hooks up with some guy for one night and simply doesn’t want his baby.

Regrettably these religious ignorants are still living in the 1920s, when you couldn’t even get as much of a sniff of a father’s daughter before getting married. But how quickly their perception would change when their daughters end up with a “mistake” or two–or worse, they end up with 19 kids. How immoral?!

Long story short

There is a bright side to the Supreme Court’s dissappointing ruling on contraception coverage: It will give Hillary Clinton a barrel-full of firepower for her campaign in 2016. The Benghazi attacks will be trivial relative to this women’s rights issue. And I’m all in for Hillary 2016.

Hillary will go from state to state hollering in her lesbian-professor outfit, “A WOMAN’S BODY IS HER PROPERTY, NOT THE SUPREME COURT’S! WOMEN DESERVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE!”

And in response the women will moan–err, scream, “Hooray birth control! Go Hillary!”

Rest assured this ruling was intended for the smaller, family owned businesses. As horrendous a decision as this was, it will not affect the majority of companies out there.

I just fear the domino effect this type of ruling could have. Why can’t the next business owner tell the government, “I’m not paying taxes because I don’t believe in the wars we’re fighting overseas.”…?

If by chance you do end up working for a corporation whose health plan does not cover contraception, don’t worry because condoms are still dirt cheap. I’m totally serious. You can get a 36-pack for $18 at Walmart.