Earlier this week, President Barack Obama addressed the nation to reaffirm Americans that any strike against Assad would consist of a targeted air strike, but first his administration would give Assad the opportunity to relinquish his chemical weapons.
There will be “no boots on the ground [in Syria],” the President said.
According to absolutely legitimate sources, this “no boots on the ground” statement by the President presented a very interesting scenario for a footwear company.
“We saw an opportunity to circumvent the President’s demands, without going entirely against them,” Sandy McHatelace, a spokesperson for sandal company Teva, said in a statement. “If Obama says no boots on the ground, then to us that means our soldiers can still wear sandals on the ground.”
That’s when Teva representatives immediately contacted the Department of Defense (DOD) to discuss a potential military contract.
“We see no reason why our troops can’t have sandals on the ground in Syria,” a DOD representative said. “The President has a clear opposition to boots – likely because sand and rocks commonly get stuck in boots, which is annoying for a soldier who then has to untie the boot and shake it out. With a sandal, you don’t even need to take it off to get all that shit out. So, based on our educated inference, we assume to believe the President is suggesting that sandals become the preferred footwear for the future soldier.”
The CEO of Teva’s biggest competitor, Birkenstock, was quoted as saying, “This is bullshit! Birkenstocks are much sexier than Teva sandals. And everyone knows that sexiness is a great diversion to enemies. The sexiness of our sandals would make the terrorists dizzy and incapacitated; kind of like what happens to NFL players who stare at Tom Brady for too long. But too late, I guess. The DOD signed with Teva. It’s as if they want to lose this war in Syria.”
When asked if Teva will develop military-grade high-heels for female soldiers who don’t like sandals, Sandy McHatelace said, “Holy shit! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Great idea! We’ll call it the Military Gucci Heel, where the heel can also act as a knife! In stores soon!”
Military Gucci Heels: Show Them You’re Sharp
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Written by Rel
Ariel "Rel" Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.