Being the sadist that I am, I find it pleasurably detestable that in a city like Boston there’s so much love going on in the streets. All I ever see are people laughing, drinking and having a good time. Sure, you’ll see a bar fight now and again, but you’ll never see a serious clash of cuntacular proportions between a couple of ugly, overweight, Twinkie deep-throating, lowlife, trailer-trash whores–like you see on youtube.
There are plenty of things to dislike in this country: In the south, hurricanes–in the west, the gays, anti-gays and earthquakes–in the midwest, their lack of a defined character–and up here in the northeast, the fucking douchebags.
Here is my updated list of People to Hate:
1) Those who take the elevator up or down one floor (especially down). Would it hurt to move your 215-pound jiggly-frame a bit? Unless you can’t find the stairs, you’re over 75 years old, you’re carrying a mini-gun, or carrying something that weighs as heavy as a mini-gun, don’t you ever take the elevator one flight of stairs. Ask yourself, what would Richard Simmons do? No homo.
2) Women and gays that order mixed drinks with more than three ingredients. By the time your bartender orders the grocery list of ingredients and mixes them together, it’s already last call and I’m the guy next in line. Fuck you. Get simplified. Order straight whiskey. Or at most, a whiskey sour. If it were up to me, there would be three drinks on this earth: Wine, for gays and women. Whiskey, for men and female gym-teachers. And beer for everyone.
3) People who use the Tilda (~). You’re not cute. You’re not creative. And you’re not intelligent. On the contrary, I really like people who don’t even know what a Tilda is, they’re so cute. And they’re probably the girls I hit on every weekend.
Side note: the Tilda makes for a really cool face ‘~’
4) People who openly dislike Trident chewing gum. Of all the gums to blasphemize–if an atheist may say so–you choose the healthiest and longest lasting one. Fuck you. I’ve been chewing this cinnamon-flavored trident gum for nearly thirty minutes and it’s still giving off a significant amount of flavor. Had I been chewing Bubble Yum–the slut of all chewing gums–it would have been in the trash 20 minutes ago.
4) People who don’t give bums change. There are some who believe giving a bum change is like delaying his “inevitability”. First of all, that’s a cruel ideology. Secondly, you’d serve your purpose better by sparing him money so he can buy himself a Big Mac which would kill him faster anyway. How’s that for expediting inevitability?
The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.
Written by Rel
Ariel "Rel" Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.