On vacation in Israel during a 90-degree night, my wife and I were getting ready to party in Tel Aviv with one of her friends. My mother saw me dressing up in my sexy grey jeans and black shirt. In the left hemisphere of my mother’s genius, PhD brain is a radar. That radar sets off an alarm anytime there is a situation where her son may be getting into potential danger. Most Jewish mothers have this radar and normally it goes off whenever the Jewish son is planning to go out of the house – which in Jewish mother’s eyes is an extremely dangerous endeavor.
|The ‘my-son-is-in-danger’ radar inside a Jewish mother’s brain.|
“Ariel, what are you doing tonight?” my mother asked with her typical squinted-eyed look of skepticism.
“I’m going with Courtney to meet one of her friends in Tel Aviv,” I answered sheepishly, feeling guilty already.
“Are you taking the car? No, right?”
“Yes, mom. We’re taking the car.”
“Ariel, Tel Aviv is very dangerous for cars! I don’t want you to drive there.”
“Courtney wants us to drive so we don’t get home too late,” I lied but figured that if I claim the originator of this idea was my wife, then my mother would likely let her argument go.
“Okay. But please drive carefully. The Israeli drivers are all maniacs. People here don’t care. They will bang your car!”
Bang my car? Sounds like a sexy innuendo. If only my wife and not my mother uttered those words. “I will be careful, mom. I promise.”
“And remember,” my mother added. “The parking spaces are very small in Tel Aviv. If you can’t fit in the parking space, park somewhere else.
How stupid my mother must think I am to not trust that I have the ability to determine if a parking space is large enough. When I was 18 my mother told me to always use condoms and that was great advice. But a lecture on parking? That’s meant for a father of a 16-year-old.
The parking garage we arrived at was, admittedly, just as my mother advertised. There were tiny parking places everywhere, but to no fault of the drivers. The lines of the spaces seemed a couple feet smaller than the average American parking space. But then again, Israeli cars are smaller than American in general. You won’t find any suburbans or SUVs in Tel Aviv.
To be safe, I drove all the way to the roof of the parking lot and found three spaces in a row that were unoccupied. With my wife directing me from outside, I parked as perfectly as possible, giving enough room on both sides if any cars decided to park next to me.
We arrived at a packed pub in Tel Aviv. This friend of my wife’s was her “body twin.” That comparison was made by my wife and not my wandering eyes. But I won’t lie, I looked and both of them had large curves and a cute face.
I was the only man in our party of three – a threesome, if you will. Knowing how many gay people there are in Tel Aviv I wondered if passersby thought I was that gay guy hanging out with his girlfriends. But it didn’t nag my mind as much as that tiny spot I parked in. All night I was hoping the car wouldn’t get “banged” as my mother suggested. Speaking of banging, my wife looked really hot and I wanted to do exactly that to her later that night. Unfortunately we’re sleeping at my grandparents house and that would be just wrong.
We got back to our car. A Honda and Peugeot were parked on either side of me, squeezing the car in. I was unable to get into the car from the driver’s side, so I hopped into the passenger’s side and shifted my bum into the driver’s seat. My wife followed me in. We ever-so-slowly made our way down and out of the narrow, swirling driveway of the parking garage.
I was relieved getting out of there. The inability to breathe due to the pressure-filled situation of exiting an Israeli parking lot takes a toll on a Jewish man. But what I really wished my mother warned me about was the civilian-owned horses and mopeds on the roads. What the hell are 14-year-olds doing riding horses down the street? And since when is driving a moped cool? These macho Israeli guys were bullying me with Vespas.
Maybe next time I’ll take my Pee-Wee Herman bicycle into Tel Aviv and show them who’s the man… And my mother would definitely approve because it’s easy to park.