14 Nov 2017
Posted by Rel 
Thanks to advancements in DNA research, it has been concluded that Moses inappropriately fondled the Ten Commandments, perhaps even going as far as dry humping the 7th commandment, “Thou shall not commit adultery.” What led to the investigation of stone-tablet-rapist Moses was the length of his suspicious...
Read more → 07 Nov 2017
Posted by Rel 
With the signing of the ‘Calendar from Hell Act,’ Donald Trump is forcing Americans to endure seven straight Mondays per week for the remainder of his Presidency. The calendar is set to take effect on January 1, 2018. “It’s time to MAKE AMERICA WORK AGAIN; all day, every day,” President...
Read more → 07 Nov 2017
Posted by Rel 
George H. W. Bush, Former President and Current Groper, was recently called out by multiple women for inappropriately touching them. Yet if he had his groping wits about him, he would have blamed it on senility. According to a study conducted by a 91-year-old minor league ballpark usher, 97% of elderly...
Read more → 06 Nov 2017
Posted by Rel 
BREWSTER, MA -- A burrowing debate has sent shock waves through the animal kingdom of Massachusetts, leading to an underground protest. Soon after the Taylor family moved from Westford to Brewster, Massachusetts they started hearing screeching noises at night. They thought nothing of it until it happened...
Read more → 31 Oct 2017
Posted by Rel 
The latest iOS 11 update from Apple makes your iPhone slower and stupider, but according to Apple this was by design. This comes as a relief to Apple consumers, as originally they thought it was an accident that their phones started to suck. But why did Apple do this? Lead Architect for the iOS 11 team...
Read more → 25 Oct 2017
Posted by Rel 
Over the past two years a trend has infected the minds of Americans: Working out and eating healthy. Contrary to popular belief, this is making Americans healthier. Since the first McDonald’s commercial aired on TV in the year 1724, people have been under the assumption that not working out and eating...
Read more → 16 Oct 2017
Posted by Rel 
Jerusalem, Israel -- In the most historic religious transaction since the Jews sold off Jesus, the religion of Judaism has acquired Mormonism in exchange for 40 tons of Challah bread, Israeli actress Gal Gadot, and a night’s stay at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in Jerusalem. Rabbi Chutzpah addressed...
Read more → 01 Oct 2017
Posted by Rel 
Seems like some people are slightly angered and could use some friendly tips on how to cordially disagree with a peaceful, underprivileged person. We all know the ol’ saying from preschool, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!” But it takes a fifth-grade...
Read more → 29 Sep 2017
Posted by Rel 
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Willie Steamerson, a San Francisco native, reached out to Apple and a nut bag surgeon to cure one of the most annoying scenarios ever: When you have to poop right after a shower. “I can’t tell you the number of times this has happened to me,” Steamerson told his local...
Read more → 25 Aug 2017
Posted by Rel 
On a Thursday morning before leaving for a Florida trip, my wife left me a long list of chores to finish by the time she got home. How lucky of her: she gets to enjoy the sun and beach, and I have to waste my weekend doing chores. Now, I'll admit, I did ask her for a list of a few things to do while...
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