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STUDY: 97% of Elderly Males Claim Senility So They Can Illegally Grope Women


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 07 Nov 2017   Posted by Rel

George H. W. Bush, Former President and Current Groper, was recently called out by multiple women for inappropriately touching them. Yet if he had his groping wits about him, he would have blamed it on senility. According to a study conducted by a 91-year-old minor league ballpark usher, 97% of elderly...

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Gophers Dispute over Right of Ownership of Hole in Ground


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 06 Nov 2017   Posted by Rel

BREWSTER, MA -- A burrowing debate has sent shock waves through the animal kingdom of Massachusetts, leading to an underground protest. Soon after the Taylor family moved from Westford to Brewster, Massachusetts they started hearing screeching noises at night. They thought nothing of it until it happened...

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Apple Celebrates Its Phone-Degrading iOS 11 Software Update


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 31 Oct 2017   Posted by Rel

The latest iOS 11 update from Apple makes your iPhone slower and stupider, but according to Apple this was by design. This comes as a relief to Apple consumers, as originally they thought it was an accident that their phones started to suck. But why did Apple do this? Lead Architect for the iOS 11 team...

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Report: Tom Brady Claims Doing Healthy Things May Actually Be Healthy


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 25 Oct 2017   Posted by Rel

Over the past two years a trend has infected the minds of Americans: Working out and eating healthy. Contrary to popular belief, this is making Americans healthier. Since the first McDonald’s commercial aired on TV in the year 1724, people have been under the assumption that not working out and eating...

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Judaism acquires Mormonism. Jewish Men Can Now Marry Multiple Wives


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 16 Oct 2017   Posted by Rel

Jerusalem, Israel -- In the most historic religious transaction since the Jews sold off Jesus, the religion of Judaism has acquired Mormonism in exchange for 40 tons of Challah bread, Israeli actress Gal Gadot, and a night’s stay at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in Jerusalem. Rabbi Chutzpah addressed...

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Peaceful Ways to Protest a Peaceful Protest


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 01 Oct 2017   Posted by Rel

Seems like some people are slightly angered and could use some friendly tips on how to cordially disagree with a peaceful, underprivileged person. We all know the ol’ saying from preschool, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!” But it takes a fifth-grade...

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Man Has Surgery To Prevent Poop Immediately After a Shower


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 29 Sep 2017   Posted by Rel

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Willie Steamerson, a San Francisco native, reached out to Apple and a nut bag surgeon to cure one of the most annoying scenarios ever: When you have to poop right after a shower. “I can’t tell you the number of times this has happened to me,” Steamerson told his local...

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Study Proves Wife Gets Angry When Husband Does Nothing Around House


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 25 Aug 2017   Posted by Rel

On a Thursday morning before leaving for a Florida trip, my wife left me a long list of chores to finish by the time she got home. How lucky of her: she gets to enjoy the sun and beach, and I have to waste my weekend doing chores. Now, I'll admit, I did ask her for a list of a few things to do while...

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SHATTERING NEWS: Trump Signs Executive Order to Reschedule Total Solar Eclipse


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 19 Aug 2017   Posted by Rel

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It was approximately 10:45 a.m. this Saturday morning when Donald Trump was informed that the moon had plans to block the muse for his skin color, also known as the sun. President Trump agreed that nuking the moon would not be in the country's best interest because he enjoys...

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Wife Finally Catches Perfect Husband Doing Something Wrong


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 11 Aug 2017   Posted by Rel

Some husbands hide cigarettes from their wife. Some hide a gambling habit. Some hide an affair with another woman. And few husbands, like me, have to hide something completely innocent. I’m not trying to brag, but on paper I’m a perfect husband: I have a great sense of humor, I’m a hard worker,...

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