I want to wish everyone a Happy Earth Day… I guess…
I recycle every week so this day does absolutely nothing for me. In fact, it’s just another awareness day that we need to delete from our calendars. Why do THESE PEOPLE—smelly tree huggers–need to raise awareness about this every year?
Are they trying to yell at me–the common, neurotic , OCD man–or at major corporations? Or both?
Earth Day teaches us what we learned in elementary school: YOU PUT THE PAPER AND PLASTIC IN THE BLUE BIN, NOT THE BLACK BIN! But that isn’t a profound message, that’s just COMMON COURTESY*! (*which is also the name of the 211th best podcast in Massachusetts).
Whatever the case, isn’t it obvious that Earth Day does NOTHING for the environment?
Earth Day started on April 22, 1970. Since then we have exponentially wasted resources and polluted the Earth by the year. But we don’t need an awareness day to remind us of because those facts are battered into our brains every week on the news.
Every other month I read an article in National Geographic talking about overpopulation, pollution, and how–unless we do something fast–our Earth will be pretty much more fucked than an 80-year-old porn star.
I liken Earth Day’s message to that of a parent urging their high school kid to NOT drink alcohol until they’re 21.
Hey moms and dads, don’t you get it? The more you tell them NOT to the more they WANT to. Just give them a few sips of beer at 12 years old, and they’ll realize it’s no big deal.
The more these smelly hippies bark at me to recycle my paper and plastic, the less I want to do it. And I’m the guy who LIKES recycling. But I imagine the hippies are targeting the big wigs.
Do they really think that BP is going to stop drilling? Do they really think the Brazilian government will stop chopping trees? Do they really think the masses will start using electric cars when they cost twice as much as gas-powered?
You think it’s a coincidence that the Tessla costs more than most people make in one year? Of course not. World leaders don’t want electric cars to be the norm because oil barons are in their pockets. It would be like you asking me to stop doing the dishes for my wife… Buddy, do you really want me to NEVER have sex again?
My Earth Day Amendment Proposal
If smelly hippies and tree huggers want Earth Day to continue as a yearly awareness day, then they have to agree to a Shower Day.
I don’t have any physical evidence to back this up, but to me it just smells like their stench is more harmful to our ozone layer than any piece of plastic. So let’s have the Shower Day ever year on April 21st, one day before Earth Day. That guarantees the hippies will smell like mature, acceptable adults when they go out and picket on April 22nd.
Hillary Clinton, can you get this done for me? Thanks in advance.