Though it’s in my nature to hate everything you do, I would not be able to complain as much in life without all the nonsense you make me put up with – for that, I thank you eternally.

Here’s why you continue to disgust me and why I love/hate you for it:

• You text me to “fly safely” five minutes before takeoff. I’m not the one flying, moron. Text the pilot; but no texting while flying.

• You’re embarrassed to tell me you’re dating a guy you met online. I would be too. Just lie to me about how you met him. Just like how I lied to my fiancee how I met her. Wait a minute, does that make sense?

• You keep posting pictures of ugly newborns and overrated animals. If my baby is ugly, he’s not going on the internet. If my dog is average, you’ll never see me posting 20 pictures a week of him and asking you, “isn’t he cute?” Don’t answer me because I already know he’s fucking ugly.

• You tell me stories in the 4th degree. Just because all humans are connected by six degrees doesn’t mean I care about your cousin’s, fiancee’s, friend’s, uncle’s former professor who used to teach Matt Damon at Harvard University. The more degrees of people the story passes through, the less I’m interested. Here’s how it works: If you ARE the person in the story, maybe I care. If you KNOW the person in the story, I don’t care. Any degree beyond that, please pass me another whiskey on the rocks so the alcohol and clinging of ice can cloud my senses from the bullshit coming out of your mouth.

• You keep posting pictures of your salads on Facebook. Fuck you. Any food less worthy than a steak or a pig roast is unacceptable.

• When someone sneezes three times, you bless them the first two times but not the third. If you want to waste your energy believing the soul escapes the body every time a human sneezes, it’s your right to be an idiot. But don’t get lazy when someone sneezes multiple times. If you forget to bless them even once, that’s all the soul needs to leave forever, according to your bullshit. Here’s the official rule: You bless them every sneeze, or after the final sneeze. I actually think instead of saying “bless you”, you should say “Hey, thanks for contaminating the air that I’m breathing and go fuck yourself.”

• You keep trying to convince me you’re not contagious. What are you, a doctor? Cover your damn mouth when you cough at me. I’ll tell you whether you’re contagious in five days when I’m lying in bed with a 100-degree fever.

• I tell a story, then you tell me a similar story that’s more impressive. Fuck you.

• You watch cooking shows. Why don’t you just Google the recipe?

• You’ll probably ask me if I watched the US Men’s Basketball team slaughter some innocent South American nation by 78 points. And the answer is: No, I did not. But I did watch a cheetah manhandle a baby gazelle on National Geographic.

Keep it up.

The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.