My fiancee noticed her bottle of body lotion emptied much sooner than it should have, and of course she pointed the finger at me – claiming I used it to masturbate again. She’s not wrong, but what’s the big deal?
Feeling guilty again but without knowing why, I asked a coworker and she said that masturbation can be viewed by women as a form of cheating. Are you serious, lady? Cheating? Beating off can’t be that immoral, can it?
The act of male masturbation definitely looks barbaric – strikingly similar to a person stabbing themselves in the stomach at a furious pace. I feel like women who can’t put up with this have little confidence, feel trivialized, or as if they aren’t doing the job well enough in bed, so they feel bad knowing their men have to masturbate.
As a man, when I masturbate there’s absolutely no correlation between the sexual life with my fiancee and the porn on the computer in front of me. Just because I give my computer attention once a week (or way more than that), doesn’t mean I’m considering myself in a polygamous relationship. I mean, I do love my computer, but not as much as my fiancee, and not nearly enough to call it my second wife.
Masturbation isn’t replacing my fiancee for those brief five minutes; it’s just filling a void that can’t be tended by her at that moment – she may be sleeping, talking on the phone, cooking, working out, or doing something that’s taking very long, giving me plenty of time to discretely enjoy the Aveeno. Can I really pass the opportunity at those moments?
Remember when your parents used to give you a sticker every time you used the potty? Maybe women can use the same method with masturbation. Every time we do a chore well, give us a masturbation ticket.
“Honey, can you go buy us some milk?”
“Awwww, c’mon baby, it’s 9 p.m.!”
“Do you want to masturbate while I’m at my pedicure tomorrow or not?…”
“I’m going right now!”
“Great, and take this 2 for 1 Aveeno coupon!”
Think about it: If men couldn’t masturbate while their wives were on business trips or long shopping marathons, they’d probably cheat with a mistress. Now, I’m asking all women, Who would you rather have your man “cheat” with a computer or another woman? Exactly. So stop whining when you see his internet history of 117 porn pages. And if you’re a man, delete your damn history, you amateur… By the way, how many of you are getting horny because I just said the word ‘amateur‘?
Either women must halt this anti-mastubatory ideology, or men must become even more secretive and buy their own stash of lotion. Now, if you’ll excuse me for five minutes.