On the toilet, all this Charlie Sheen-nonsense going on is annoying me. Who the fuck is Charlie Sheen anymore? He’s nothing. He’s just a pathetic shell of man pretending to be a bad ass, talking shit about coworkers whom make it possible for him to earn $2,000,000 an episode for a show nobody watches. If you were breastfed 2-million dollars for doing nothing, would you complain about it? Only a douche bag would. He’s not funny, he’s not intelligent – they should save the 2-mill they’re paying him and pay me 50 dollars, instead. I mean, at least I come up with my own material. I don’t just stand there acting like a prince.

The last time my 55-inch HDTV had a sniff of Charlie’s overblown sense of pride was a year ago when I accidentally changed the channel to Univision’s Spanish version of Hot Shots Part Deux – which the last watchable movie he starred in. That movie was made in 1994. Think about that…. He hasn’t made one good showing since then. That’s 17 years of futility. SEVENTEEN YEARS!!!! And this is a guy getting paid 2-million dollars for a week’s worth of work? WHY?!!! In what other field can you suck ass for so long and get paid so well? Year after year this guy performs progressively worse, but year after year his paycheck get bigger and bigger. By those standards, I should be a billionaire by now.

I agree he is somewhat of a party animal. Somewhat. But when you look like a dumb, ugly, retarded version of Tom Cruise’s older brother, you better be drugging and drinking your ass off to wear away the disgrace that is your face. He is a nobody, and has nobody. He’s been through three wives, countless arrests, he’s got five kids, and God knows where his dick will end up by night’s end.

I only bring this up because it’s sad. Who would want to live a life knowing the only reasons people like you are for your beautiful home and sick parties? I wanna be GOING to the parties. I don’t wanna be the guy THROWING them and ending up on the six o’clock news. And then the seven o’clock news… And then 8 o’clock, and 9, and 10…..then get embarrassed on Conan. Then on to the 12 o’clock news. Then wake up to the morning show and hear it all over again…..

Not to anyone’s surprise, his ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, obviously couldn’t hack it anymore and is on her way out. But at least this will be a divorce in which the man doesn’t have to leave the house – I appreciate justice once in a while – he built the mansion, he keeps it. But more to the point, I dare any woman, and urge her, to find Charlie Sheen’s soul and bring it back to earth. This is a man destined to fall in the steps of Tony Montana. I can envision it now. He’ll realize the scum around him sucking at his proverbial teet that is his money and drugs, he’ll flip out – but next time, it’ll be more than just a rant on a radio show – blood will be shed. Hopefully, we can get all this on camera. Now that’s a show I’d watch: Two and a Half Ounces: Charlie Sheen Uncensored on Cinemax!!! Ahhhh, but it’s just a dream.

Keep throwing your life away, Sheen.