Like many men out there, I’ve managed to masturbate on a weekly to bi-weekly basis without being caught by a significant other. Currently my significant other happens to be my wife, but perhaps she will soon be my ex-wife after she reads this blog (sorry Babe).
If you’re a man as hairy as me, you must carry on with caution once you’ve finished masturbating. Once in a while the – for lack of a better term – ‘sailors’ will unknowingly find their way onto the wrist; they’ll walk the plank, so to speak.
There are a number of ways this can happen, and without going into too much detail, let’s just leave it at: Clumsy men are ignorant enough to miss the stains that end up on their clothing and body – be it ketchup, mustard, barbecue sauce, or in this case ‘men of the sea.’
In case you didn’t know (ahem, WOMEN), a couple minutes of exposure on the wrist hair and the Sailors become dry and crust; they literally harden on the hair.
Take Tuesday for example: After enjoying a pleasurable morning shower, I made my way to work and entered the conference room where I met a representative from a partner company. After shaking his hand and falling back into my seat, I massaged my watch forward on my right hand, and then shifted my eyes over to my left hand and fondled my wedding ring for a second. That’s when I noticed the crusted sailors on my wrist.
Immediately, my heart jumped and I thought: Did the representative notice my wrist? When you shake a man’s hand, you look them in the eye, right? But when your hands part, sometimes your eyes shifts to their wrist to check out their watch, or maybe you might take a glance at their wedding finger?…
I calculated that there was a 15% chance that this man saw the crust on my wrist.
Under the table I swept away from my wrist the remnants of my morning endeavor. A couple of my wrist hairs ripped off as I picked off the final few pieces of crust. A slightly painful, but necessary sacrifice given the situation. Had I been at home, I would have calmly washed away the crust, without the need to lose any of my beautiful and sexy wrist hair – which happens to be one of the 14 reasons my wife married me – or so she claims.
So the point is: The next time you single ladies go on a date with a guy, quickly scan his wrist hair for any dried up stuff. That way you’ll know if he recently masturbated. When you spot that crust for the first time, please don’t be so quick to judge him. It’s only a problem if you find that wrist crust multiple times. At that point, you can confidently say that guy is unsanitary and un-marryable.
Again, I know that sailor crust may be a taboo topic to some people, but I’m honestly looking out for innocent women who simply don’t have the capacity to anticipate creepy, clumsy men.
The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.