Have you ever wanted to buy something on Amazon but you’re fearful that your wife is going to see it… so you just give up and then eventually die 50 years later…?
Last week someone stole my soccer ball at a field where I play on a weekly basis. It was partly my fault because I accidentally left the ball there overnight. But if the tables were turned and I saw a ball just sitting there all lonely on the field I would leave it, knowing the owner would probably come back another day to pick it up. But hey, some people are assholes.
However, one of the benefits of losing your soccer ball is that you get to buy a new one! Yippee! And I get giddy when I get to buy things for me. So in a way I’m thankful for soccer ball thieves.
I did some quick research on the Google for best soccer balls and landed on one in my price range: $60 to $90. Yes, there are cheaper balls, but I play regularly and wanted a legitimate one that a college team might use.
If you know me and my scared-little beta self, then you’ll know that I can’t just buy something over $30 without my wife saying something about it. She investigates every purchase on our credit cards and Amazon like a detective in a murder case. She scours receipts, gets annoyed if I don’t use a coupon that she had, or if I leave a 50% tip for mediocre service.
Here’s my wife’s train of thought for every purchase I make:
Why do we need this?
Did you even look anywhere else to see if it is cheaper, or did you just click BUY NOW on Amazon?
Do we already own something like this?
Didn’t I just find this same exact item for you at home that you thought you lost?
Why is he home so early? Is he opening presents he bought for himself again?
I know my wife, and although she is wonderful and generous – she also is sly and unassuming. If she saw that I purchased a soccer ball for an amount of money that she deems is too much, she would then become the soccer ball thief. She would steal it, return it to Amazon, and force me to buy a used one off of Facebook marketplace, a yard sale, or at least a cheaper NOT AS COOL one.
Luckily there is a limit to how far back my wife will look at recently ordered Amazon items. She only goes about a page before she loses interest and starts buying things we actually need, like diapers (for the baby. I grew out of them a couple years ago).
The soccer ball was at the top of the recently ordered list when I first bought it. My wife was at work at the time, so there was a low likelihood she would see this page on Amazon until she got home.
Years ago when we first dated I was a clueless boyfriend, but I did do some Google research and learned that one of the stupid things women really like is surprises and little gifts. So that’s exactly what I bought for her: Fifteen stupid, silly, tiny gifts for her and the baby. These 15 newly purchased items pushed down my soccer ball to the 16th most recently ordered item, which was well into the second page of our most recently ordered items. Granted, many of these items she will return, seeing as how they will be a waste of money in her eyes. But she will be so happy that I thought of her. And I will be so happy that she had no idea it had nothing to do with her. This was all for the soccer ball.
The day will come when she realizes how much I paid for that soccer ball. But after showing her how much I love her with the surprises, her disappointment will be neutralized. And it will be beyond the period of being able to return the ball, so I’ll get to keep it.