Though this is meant mainly for men out there, my intention for this post is to prevent you, the potential bride or groom, from making one of the biggest mistakes of your life. But let’s be honest, you’ve already made a mistake even thinking about proposing to a person you will learn to loathe in a matter of years. But if you’re so certain that this is a mistake you want to make, then let’s at least make sure you don’t propose on a date or at a place that is an embarrassment to your integrity.

Far be it from me to be offer romantic advice, as I was drunk when I proposed to my wife, and she was quite tipsy, as was my plan knowing that people make horrible decisions under the influence. But what I did have going for me was the element of surprise. She never had a clue that a proposal was coming, hence the tears started flowing down her face, and whether those were tears of joy or sadness at the thought of spending the rest of her life with me, I will never know because she is one hell of an actress, both in and out of the bed.

Here are some tips from a professional asshole on what NOT to do for your wedding day, and what dates to avoid.

Don’t Give It Away By Asking Her What Ring She Likes

Like I mentioned, the element of surprise is essential. Quite possibly the most important factor of an engagement proposal. You are better off buying a shitty ring that is returnable than asking her nonchalantly as you pass the window of a jewelry store what ring she likes.

“Why are you asking?!” she’ll ask.

“No reason, just curious,” you and your blatantly deliberate self will say. And you just gave away the surprise, you moronic feline of a man.

Even if you find out what ring she may prefer through her friends or family, they still might be wrong.

So just play it safe: Buy a shitty ring, then you and her can return it after the proposal, after which she can pick a ring she prefers. Just make sure she doesn’t go nuts and selects an eight-thousand dollar piece because fuck that. Keep it under $3,000. Who does she think you are, Kobe Bryant?

The Flash Mob

Don’t watch this whole thing because you will vomit:

Proposals like that ruin friendships for life. If anyone I knew tried to pull that off I would never accept an invitation from them for anything, ever again. Not the engagement party, not the wedding, and not the baby’s bris or Christening. Truthfully, I pretty much reject every invitation, anyway; but now, this flash-mob pickle face gives me even more reason to.

What he just did is put a seed in my wife’s mind. “Why didn’t my husband propose to me like that?” my wife thinks. “All he ever did was get drunk with me and propose on a beach.”

Yeah, I know, wife! Because that’s the real me! And that’s the real you! We drink together and have a good time! We don’t roam the streets like it’s a broadway musical and wake up all the neighbors from their peaceful nap like a bunch of pompous, arrogant, jaded assholes!

Valentine’s Day

You are a cheesy, unoriginal, tight-pants wearing, fruity cocktail-drinking sissy if you, the man, choose Valentine’s Day to propose to your lady.

Valentine’s Day is a made-up holiday. It was created to suck money from men’s wallets and deceive women into believing their men actually care about them. The only good thing about Valentine’s Day is the end of the night, after the sex, when the woman falls asleep and the man can watch TV or play video games.

I digress. You pick this night, you are a coward. And your male friends are all thinking the same thing… if you even have any.

A Popular Place

So you want to go somewhere popular like a gondola in Venice, the Eiffel Tower, the Golden Gate Bridge, or Empire State Building…

NO, NO, NO, and NO! What is wrong with you? That spot you just picked is as original as grandpa’s ‘sit on my lap and let’s talk about the first thing that pops up’ joke (rest in peace). And just as grandma punches grandpa for repeating that joke the umpteenth time, the person you’re proposing to reserves the right to give you an emotional gut shot by saying NO!

The Spot of Your First Date

Mr. Obvious Dipshit, that’s a dead giveaway! What you should really be using this spot for is a decoy.

Take her there one night, and in her mind she’ll be thinking, “OMaaGaaa, he’s gonna propose to me!”

And then when you go to the bathroom she’s going to text her best friends, “OmaaGaah, I think he’s going to propose to me!” 

And they’ll reply to her, “OmaaGaah!”

But then don’t propose. Wait another week or two, and propose elsewhere.

In a Sports Stadium

After your girlfriend has stuffed hot dogs, popcorn, beers, and peanuts in her face, do you really think she wants to be on a jumbotron? Unless she prepared in front of a mirror for five minutes, she won’t even pose for a selfie with you, let alone become center stage on a nationally televised event.

Another sad fact about your shitty proposal idea is that you won’t get a straight answer from her. She’ll say, “Yes,” regardless, just to save you the awkwardness of disappointing you in front of 50,000 people… or 10,000 if it’s a Jets game.

When you get home, and after the Jets lose, hopefully she tells you the truth, which is, “No, you sissy. I’ve been sleeping with your best friend, the Italian, Arturo Galleccio, and we’re moving to Sicily tomorrow.”

April Fool’s Day

I’m a hypocrite here. I wanted to propose on this date. And I was a dipshitty, moronic, cowardly, fumbling, stumbling idiot for even thinking it. But luckily I ended up choosing a different date.

An engagement isn’t a joke. It’s a romantic moment the lady wants to remember for a lifetime, or at least until the divorce papers are finalized.

So What Is The Perfect Date, and The Perfect Proposal Idea?

I can’t speak for all, but I can speak for many because I am way smarter than most, especially when you count all the people in Asia, Africa, and Russia without access to education or a computer. So what I suggest is that you don’t focus on the day or the location, and just focus on THREE THINGS:

• Keep it a surprise
• Have privacy with her during the proposal
• Avoid a cheesy proposal idea that your guy friends will end up berating you for.

It’s that simple.

Now go out there and don’t be a tight-pants and plaid-shirt wearing, tea-drinking, independent-theater watching, bicycle-with-basket riding Nancy!