My American People, listen up. Contrary to the nonsense spewing out of the candidates’ mouths – especially the Republicans’ – your economy won’t be fixed and replaced as easily as your burnt out lightbulb. Healthcare isn’t the crux of this country’s concern; grandma will still be taken care of, no matter what her insurance plan is. Terrorists won’t dissipate like a fart in a bathroom vent; they will continue to pollute and disturb us like a dog’s shit left on the side of the road – and as dog shit tends to do, if we try to crush them over and over, their evil seed will only spread and make a mess under our shoe.
We cannot change the world with one election. You can’t take a pooper scooper and just toss out the old, wipe up the dirty spot with Fantastik, and bring in the new – that’s not how it works. Every candidate tries to suggest this in some form or another. I will vote Obama, but he too is a master of crafting this outrageous message: “Change.”
Nothing ever changes, at least not at noticeable rate. Sure, we’ve broken barriers and small battles here and there, but real progress is so slow in this country. Aside from giving minorities and women a better shot at success in America, we really haven’t changed much in the last 236 years. White people are still acting White.
I am announcing today that in 2032, I will run for President with the mindset of a Jew, the personality of a Black man, the work ethic of a Mexican, and the math skills of an Asian. All my advisors will be a hybrid form of at least two of those ethnicities. My vice president will be Kanye West because I was always told to keep my friends close and my enemies closer.
During my 2032 Presidential Campaign, I will focus on matters that can be CHANGED IMMEDIATELY. I will force the media, my opponents and the American people to recognize the following six REALISTIC issues:
If women want equal pay for equal work, they must do equal dishes in the house. For the last 20 years, my life has been dedicated to doing my mother or fiancee’s dishes. This must stop now. Regardless if I cook or I’m being cooked for, I ALWAYS end up doing the dishes. Either we enforce the ‘You cook, I clean‘-rule, or we go tit-for-tat on every dish; you clean one dish, then I clean the next dish. And if I have to clean the large pan we just fried with, don’t dare clean just the fork right after me; you better clean at least three dishes to even it out. As president, this is how I would treat women equally.
Stop telling me that yawning is rude. Don’t assume I’m bored, tired or rude just because my body decided to yawn. As President, I will make sure that the act of yawning is viewed equal to sneezing; an involuntary and necessary bodily reaction. I don’t choose when I want to yawn, my body does. I have no control over it. As soon as it reaches my desk, this piece of legislation will be signed immediately. And I will fake a yawn in honor of it.
As a country, we will stop acting impressed by daredevils free-falling from space. Felix Baumgartner found himself bored on the couch one day when he popped up and exclaimed, “HEY! I have an amazing and pointless idea: I’ll jump out of a spacecraft and then after four minutes I’ll land on earth! That’s a great way to spend a million dollars, right?… I’ll be known as the greatest professional faller in the world. My children will be so proud of me!”
Earth to Felix, don’t take your parachute next time. You’re worthless to humanity. Because of your epic fall, no diseases were cured, no puppies were saved and no starving families were fed. As President, I will make sure that any space adventures conducted by NASA or bored millionaires will be banished, especially when they have no purpose at all.
If employed, every American will be able to take their birthday off. If unemployed, well, you have to work on your birthday.
All new toilets will automatically flush twice; legacy toilets must be reconfigured to flush twice. This will create jobs for plumbers and for the water departments. This will also ensure that my guests don’t leave remnants of my wife’s fantastic dinner sitting in the bowl.
Nobody with an I.Q. lower than 90 will be allowed to vote. And anyone who’s had a similar conversation that the Yokel and the Grocery Clerk had in my previous blog will be deported.
Our country needs a President who can cut the bullshit, quit the lying, and deal with everyday concerns. I will not fix your economy, and I will never look a terrorist in the eye and intimidate them because I’m afraid. But I will certainly fulfill my aforementioned six-point plan. We will restore equality in the household, cleanliness in the bathroom and rid of overrated, free-falling accomplishments.
Thank you, God Bless you, your families, and God Bless America.