The marital laws I broke have nothing to do with any state or religious legislation. For those of you wondering what I did, you can throw out adultery and any Ten Commandment out the window because I don’t have the idiocy to break such simple rules.
God so graciously gifted me with a beautiful and caring wife, so I promised him something – and yes, I do believe God is male because no female in command would cause so much destruction to the world. What I promised Mister God was that I would give up pornography. And the other day, after three tough months of cyber-abstinence, I broke that promise.
It all started when my buddy texted me, “You have to check out this amazing new pornstar.”
First of all, with that statement, he broke the moral code of pornography. Watching porn is a personal adventure. No one else is allowed to join you – in fact, nobody wants to. However you reach climax over the toilet bowl or in that sock is completely your business. And whatever pornstar or amateur woman you happen to watch during that session is for your eyes only.
The pornstar is your temporary internet girlfriend. And just as you wouldn’t share your real girlfriend like a piece of meat, you’re not allowed to pass a pornstar to a friend.
Of course, there are famous pornstars out there that will inevitably be watched by multiple friends. So if your buddy ever mentions a pornstar that you enjoy watching, you should probably give her up.
Think about it: Would it really be pleasurable watching a pornstar knowing that your friend, somewhere out there, is also masturbating to her? Half the time watching that pornstar your thoughts will be on your friend, and that’s counter-masturbative.
Without any intentions of “dating” the pornstar that my friend suggested, I went to her website for a peak. As expected, all I could think about was my friend “hacking” away at himself. But in doing so, I broke my promise to God, and I apologize to my fans and the rug.
I’m all for masturbation. I believe it has saved 100% of the 50% of marriages that are successful. But sharing the means of which we reach personal climax is unnecessary. Keep your pornstars to yourself. Better yet, go back to the old-school magazines so your internet history can be kept clean.
Still one question continues to boggle my mind: Can God see your internet history after you’ve deleted it?… If not, consider me back in the game!