The names of this blog were changed but kept Jewish for authenticity and kosher’s sake.
Six months ago when Rabbi Osem agreed to marry me and my fiancee, I reminded myself never to reveal my website to him. I had to repeat this note in my mind because my fiancee reminded me to remind myself repeatedly. Let me repeat, my fiancee specifically asked me multiple times NOT to tell the Rabbi about the blog.
Apologies to Rabbi Gefiltashtein, but Rabbi Osem is easily the coolest rabbi ever. Normally, the classic and stereotypical rabbi will be an older man with a white beard, yiddish accent, and demeanor that makes you feel subordinate around him. Rabbi Osem is the complete opposite; he’s young, American, and he fills you with joy and confidence.
I only go to temple on the high holidays, so I’ll never be that Jewish. But now, because of Rabbi, I enjoy my time at the temple instead of fall asleep. Unfortunately, I’m nervous that he’ll no longer marry me and my fiancee.
Today, for the first time in the history of woman-kind, a lady admitted to committing a deplorable mistake…. My fiancee gave the Rabbi my blog URL.
In her excitement while explaining to the Rabbi how she met me, my fiancee slipped up and told the true story.
“So how did you guys meet?” Rabbi asked.
“Well, we’ve known each other since high school, but I finally reached out to him after reading his hilarious blog,” my fiancee said.
“What’s his blog?”
My fiancee and I looked at each other, eyes slightly widening, and we both shook our heads and said aloud, “mmmmNo.”
“What?” Rabbi looked confused and smiled. “C’mon, just tell me.”
“We really shouldn’t tell you. We still want you as our Rabbi for the wedding. Perhaps I can give it to you after the day we get married?”
“Ohhhh stop it and give me the website.”
My fiancee sighed and let it out while cringing, “It’s BostonJew.com.”
“That’s an amazing URL,” Rabbi proclaimed, “How did you get that?”
We both watched Rabbi type in the web address into his computer, and he slowly scoured the website. The first page he clicked on was Rabbi Gefiltasthein’s bio… “Wanna get away?” Yes I do, Southwest Airlines.
I’m not sure if he was laughing just to clear the tension in the air, or he actually found it funny, but I haven’t received any negative feedback from him yet – but just to be safe, it’s about time I create a disclaimer.
Dear Rabbi and anyone who I’d feel guilty for offending (co-workers, family, fiancee, future family, in-laws, ex-girlfriends, friends, enemies, landlord, nephew, my future children, and so on),
The views of this blog are a result of 28 years of spiritual deprivation due to exposures to unholy millennial materials such as video games, the internet, pornography and double-stuffed oreos. In no way do I purposefully think the way I do, and everything I say should be taken with a grain of hummus.
If you were offended by this blog, or downright hate it, just tell five of your friends to visit this site at least once a week so you can share that hatred with them. And then tell them to share with five other friends. And then tell those five friends to tell their friends. Trust me, if we get enough people to hate this thing, we’ll completely destroy my confidence and increase website traffic – we both win.