Though they refuse to admit it, both the New York and L.A. Times ranked me as a Top-Ten Internet Troll.
I am ‘Rel The Writer.’ I write books, screenplays, stories, skits, rants, and blogs to release my neurotic and racing thoughts, which saves me a bunch of money that would otherwise go to a psychologist.
If you need me to write something contact me on LinkedIn, or WriterRel@gmail.com.
1) Saving Sasquatch – A novel about Chess Ridley, a ghostwriter, and his search for fame and Bigfoot.
2) Faceholes: 50 Rules for Facebook Jerks (2014) – A comedic take on the social media runts that forced us to loathe them.
1) Arnold’s Zoo Shop (2014) – A comedy sketch album. Listen to samples here.
Ariel “Rel” Mathiowitz is the neurotic son of a Jewish mother and husband of a Jewish wife who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is a physically dominant and intimidating man. He is 6 foot 5 inches tall, though he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, not his grand stature.
Were it not for a nagging in-grown toenail, he would likely be a three-sport professional athlete at this time. Setting his compass, and planning his life, according to the path of stardom he was on, he simply saw no reason to acquire the skills necessary to work a normal job or fraternize with people in a normal way. It has taken him several years to accept that with his life-threatening ailment being a constant liability and a life-long battle, he will never return to the athletic prominence he once knew; often times scoring 5 to 6 goals in 4th grade recess soccer, far surpassing the 0.67 goals per game of Pele, giving him the single greatest goals per game average in the world, were he a professional athlete at the time.
Now, he is setting out to dominate an equally important, yet slightly less acclaimed field, small-cap internet blogging (blogging to no more than 10-15 unique hits per month). Rel’s blog doesn’t just offer relief through calming verbiage, he also offers his service in divorce mediation, and virtual pet warehousing. He will accept several types of payment for these services: paypal, personal check, cash, food with little to no fiber, thread of red or teal colors, new or used underwear, or Fruity Toody Toody O’s.
He is passionate about his new profession. He turned down extremely lucrative offers for ‘cadaver modeling,’ ‘bosley hair-treatment test-subject,’ and numerous others of incredible prestige.
He was offered ten’s of thousands of dollars to be dismantled and sold for his raw goods on the black market, an offer he was fully prepared to accept. Though, negotiations broke down when he refused to give up his left foot–the foot that made him famous around town, scoring goal after goal, bringing the young to their knees and the old to their feet in astonishment at his pure talent.
Rel was named “One of the World’s Sexiest One People,” by the world’s most popular magazine, whom wishes to remain anonymous. In 2009, a female GQ Magazine representative–who was later diagnosed with hysteria–called Boston Jew “good-enough looking,” a priceless compliment for the average Jewish man.
At age 9, he was awarded with the trophy of “camper of the week” by Ron Tookey’s Fat Camp, for his one week loss of 17 pounds, after getting salmonella poisoning and vomiting more than 42 times, being hospitalized for “gross-malnourishment” and “late-stage balding.” He was subsequently asked to leave the camp for his next week’s gain of more than 22 pounds, even though it was purely water-weight, as he could no longer consume solid food due to ravaging sores on his intestine from the systemic binging and purging taught by Ron Tookey himself. “It’s better to be dead than fat,” Ron would always say.
He is an extremely tolerant man of those which he approves. He does not likepeople of any particular girth. He does not like people who have more than the allotted amount of teeth. He also does not like, nor tolerate people who seem to possess a higher-than-average hair density on their calves, upper arms, or back.
His mission is to create shareholder value through implementation of best-business practices, shrewd takeover tactics, and ruthless cost-cutting measures.
He has one of the world’s greatest business intellects.
His favorite appetizer is Romanian Caviar (fermented ear hair in a mango, cottage cheese bouillabaisse). His favorite entree is raw oat groats, and his favorite drink is half tab-soda, half cashew oil.
Rel is a graduate of Transylvania Tech University where he majored in Fermentation of Garlic and Onion as a Means of Survival.