My fiancee is having her bachelorette party in Las Vegas this weekend and I’m supposed to not care, but I have the worst poker face in the history of relationships and I’m pretty petrified of what may happen this weekend.
In a city of prostitution, gambling, high rollers and drunken nights – granted I love all those things – it’s never easy letting your woman dive in there alone. To protect my fiancee and put my mind at ease, I made a list of items all men should give their women for Vegas. This will solidify the sanctity of any upcoming marriage, and soothe the male’s terror-stricken mind. I suggest to all of my Jewish brethren (or overly panicky men) that you use this list as your Bible or Torah whenever your significant other goes to Vegas:
1) A chastity belt. Have her leave the key with you. Robin Hood: Men in Tights thought this was a joke. Well bullshit. If you send your wife to Vegas, the joke’s on you if she doesn’t have this tightly fit around her waste.
2) Tell her she looks better in the one-piece bathing suit she wore on the swim team than her string bikini.
3) Call ahead to her casino and order her a round of drinks. Have the waiter tell her and her friends that it’s from her FUTURE HUSBAND. And make sure he yells, “FUTURE HUSBAND,” while she’s getting hit on by the guys at the next table.
4) Slyly replace your phone with hers in her purse. This way, you can see how many people she exchanged numbers with. When those random guys text you, quickly send them a photo of yourself on the toilet.
5) Sneak a baby monitor into her purse. Doctor’s recommend spying on your “baby” all night.
6) Slip garlic pills into her Mentos container. This should detract even the sleaziest and drunkest of men.
7) Make sure her engagement ring is on her finger, or secretly tape a huge sign on her ass that says, “Property of an MMA fighter.”
: Don’t let your wife go to Vegas and leave you for a turtle.