In years past during Thanksgiving, my mother liked to ask guests around the table what they’re thankful for. Everyone around the table would share similar thoughts, “I’m thankful for my life partner, my children, and the company of good people.” When it came my turn to say a few words I’d have little or nothing to say. I was in my early 20s and the only thing I could be thankful for were marijuana and video games.

Eventually I asked my mother to stop the tradition of having guests express their thanks. I found it forced and unnatural, and on top of it I had very little to be thankful for. But years later the times have changed and I’m ready to reintroduce that tradition.

Here are things I’m very thankful for this Thanksgiving:

White Lies

Way too often I find myself telling the truth to my fiancee, even when the issue is so trivial. For a week straight she asked me to call Bank of America and alert them that we’d be going overseas in late November. But I keep forgetting to call. At the end of each day she asked me if I called, and I would tuck my tail between my legs, lowered my head and shamefully said “No. I promise I will do it tomorrow.” Because I failed that simple chore, on none of those days did I get sex. Then it hit me: just lie to her. So yesterday I lied to her; I told her that I called the credit card company. She was very happy and hugged me. She was already stressed so it would have been worse if I told her the truth – that I hadn’t called again due to my forgetfulness. Lying to her also increased the probability of sex that night. So that white lie was absolutely necessary. After this blog, hopefully I’ll remember to call Bank of America.

Chores

I used to complain about doing chores. They never got me anywhere in life. I never got a reward from my mother or father for working around the house. Now that I live with my fiance I’m so thankful for simple chores like doing the dishes, making the bed, cooking and painting because the more I do these things the likelier she is to give me sexual favors. Every chore a man does is like a deposit in the sex bank. If you do two chores during the day, then maybe you’ll get sex. But if you do three?! You’re guaranteed it.

Quick trick for men: To make it seem like you’re doing more chores than you actually are, separate the same chore into two. For example, cleaning the dishes can be divided into ‘unloading the dishwasher’ and ‘cleaning the dishes’. If you unload the dishwasher and then clean a very large pan, tell your wife, “Hey Babe, I put all the dishes away AND I cleaned the huge, dirty pan.” She may register this as two chores, instead of one.

Quick tip for women: If your man tries to use the trick above, don’t call him out on it. Just smile, give him a kiss, and then think of another chore for him to do, but promise him something special if he completes it.

She said “Yes!”

As neurotic and embarrassing my life has been, it somehow led me to my fiancee. I’m marrying her this weekend. I’m thankful for her love, her patience, our future kids, and the great times we will have together. But most of all, I’m thankful for the hypnosis that has clouded her mind for all this time and made her believe that I’m a great catch.

Twinkies going out of business

I’m so happy that my future children’s arteries won’t be infested by the sugary, devilish, and heart-stopping garbage that is in a Twinkie. There are literally hundreds and thousands of people on the social stream crying aloud about this company nosediving. They can’t believe it. These same people haven’t had a Twinkie in years… Seriously when’s the last time you or your friend ate a Twinkie? Everyone today is too smart to eat Twinkies weekly. We’ve all gone organic and healthy. We shouldn’t be bemoaning the loss of this terrible food product. Let’s instead celebrate with an overpriced iced-mocha, half-caf, skinny latte and lemon scone.

Starbucks… and hating it

I’m thankful that I haven’t given in to the temporary-but-long-lasting-cultural-phenomenon that is Starbucks. Accidentally you’ll find me in there a few times a year when I go out with my fiancee. But I rarely willingly buy coffee at that shithouse mainly because I don’t  have the proper attire. I don’t have that metrosexual pee-coat-scarf combo in my wardrobe. Why these people bring their laptops and pretend to do work in there is beyond me. Many of them are practicing writers. If you’re writing a piece in Starbucks, that piece will inevitably suck. When you write, you want a quiet place; a library, a huge garden, a beach, maybe your living room, or my personal favorite, on the crapper. I tried doing this bring-your-laptop-and-drink-coffee thing at Starbucks last week and there were so many people in there socializing and yakking away that it was impossible to concentrate. It sounded like lunchtime in the cafeteria at an elementary school. Men and women – mostly women – were blathering nonsense at 11 a.m. on a weekday. Why aren’t these people working? How can they afford an $8-coffee, a $5-pastry, a $50-Gap winter hat and a fancy car without a job? I’ll always be thankful for idiots though. Thanks to the booming success of Starbucks, the lines have shortened at the less-expensive and tastier Dunkin’ Donuts.

The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.