My 2013 Wish List to the Pope:
Please make the smell of food the same going in as it does going out. There is absolutely no reason that the aroma of asparagus pee should be this terrible. There is one exception to this rule: Indian food. That’s the only food that smells better going out than it does going in.
Where is Mike Myers? You know, the comedian who starred in Saturday Night Live, Wayne’s World, Austin Powers… Get him back on the big screen immediately. I want Wayne’s World 3.
For God sake, please no more shows about PEOPLE CATCHING FISH! So you caught a 4-pound bass, did you? That’s GREAT! Now get it over with and let me watch some Shark attacks. Better yet, a shark attacking your stupid bass-fishing boat.
Does morning breath really have to smell that bad? Please make it stop. I want to try this thing they call ‘morning sex,’ but when your mouth tastes like a dumpster the wife isn’t as willing.
Enough with the free-range chicken hysteria. First of all, it doesn’t matter if chickens have free range; the chicken is going to stay in the coop because that’s where the food is. So even if you give a chicken the freedom to leave the coop, it’s going to stay hibernated in there. Secondly, I don’t want my chicken roaming around in the madness of the outside world, with all the diseases, war zones, and starvation out there. It’s not safe.
I just bought my mother tickets to Paul McCartney at Fenway Park. Please explain to her that we’re not going to see The Beatles. She doesn’t seem to get it.
TJ Maxx and Marshalls must stop advertising, “30% off for a limited time.” Those clothes have been 30% off for a limited time since 1991. You’re not fooling anyone.
Please put Steve Carell back on The Office, or put the entire show through a shredder. Seriously, what the hell happened? Did Dunder Mifflin run out of paper to write good scripts on?
Amazon Prime. You know, the account that Amazon claims if you sign up for you get “FREE” shipping?… How can they tell me it’s “FREE SHIPPING” when I have to pay for it? That’s the opposite of ‘free.’ Ship my Prime account to the sun and obliterate it.
A man can go to jail for smoking marijuana, while a Priest who touches a boy can lead the following weekend mass, and I have a solution for this atrocious hypocrisy. Mr. Pope, because your organization tolerates kiddie touching – or, at very the least, you neatly brush the issue under the rug – you might as well legalize gay marriage so that when these little boys turn 18 those priests can have a shot at a longterm relationship with them. At which point, hopefully they’ll get the “favor” returned. Either do that, or castrate those disgusting, pedophilic priests.
I know you have a lot of emails to get to, so I’ll be patient with your reply, Pope.
Domini Patri. Et Fili. Spirit de Sainte.