Mini teaspoons and mini coffee glasses – It’s like the nicotine patch for caffeine. A tiny glass makes you drink a smaller dose. Nice idea, right?….. WRONG! You wuss, ever heard of this thing called DISCIPLINE? You could just pour yourself half a teaspoon of sugar, or half a glass of coffee; but no, you like mini things because they look cute. Stop relying on innovation to temper your vice, addict.
Mini six-packs of beer – sell these at elementary school cafeterias to teach kids how to drink responsibly or get rid of them.
The Woman’s Purse – STOP…… CARRYING……. SO MANY……….THINGS!!!!!!!!
The Carpool Lane – It’s not an item, but hear me out. Society is rewarding people who drive in groups when we should be looking out for the guy who’s stuck alone in traffic with no one but his own thoughts to interact with. And if that person is a Jew, traffic becomes enormously strenuous. The average Jew has 6.2 times more racing thoughts than any other ethnicity. When will we get a Jew lane?
Water boiler for the home – No, just stop it. Go get yourself a pot, fill it with water, walk to the stove top, turn it to high….. what’s the last step?…. oh yea, place the pot on the stove top. Asshole.
Bread Toaster – Did you really buy a receptacle specifically to toast two pieces of bread? It’s true, you save energy by not using the conventional oven, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason you bought the toaster; so you clearly wasted money for conventionality….. But you can’t spell conventional oven without conventional. Ignoramus.
The Tie – Fuck you.
The Business Card – Similar to a cigarette: it has a five-minute lifespan, and if a trash can isn’t nearby, you toss it on the sidewalk. A waste of paper. The next time someone offers you their business card, don’t feed into their ego by accepting it; just politely say, “No thank you, I don’t liter”.
Make-up – If it’s considered socially awkward or pathetic for a man to stuff his pants with newspaper to increase his crotch bulge, then women should refrain from pretending to be better looking than they actually are. I wanna see your face, not a smorgasbord of Maybelline.