Some husbands hide cigarettes from their wife. Some hide a gambling habit. Some hide an affair with another woman. And few husbands, like me, have to hide something completely innocent.
I’m not trying to brag, but on paper I’m a perfect husband: I have a great sense of humor, I’m a hard worker, I don’t have a smoking habit, I’m fit, and even though I stand at 5 foot 5 I’m pretty tall for my height.
Okay, maybe I sneak in a cigarette or two every year. But that shouldn’t disqualify me from almost being in the perfect husband category. If not perfect, then at worst you could call me an ideal 5 foot 5, hairy, panicky husband. But being in that realm of husband perfection doesn’t negate me from having to hide things from my wife.
Books… That’s right, BOOKS! I have to hide BOOKS from my wife. She hates that I buy so many BOOKS.
In the past three years I’ve bought more books than the previous 30 years of my life. Growing up my mother encouraged me to read books. My father was upset that I didn’t read more. My sister always read medical, psychological, and spiritual books. And now, when I finally want to read and catch up with the geniuses in my family, my wife is telling me to, “STOP BUYING SO MANY BOOKS!”
When I made the most recent order of books I planned to be the first person home the day it was delivered. That way I could un-box the books, shelve them in my office, and she would never know I ordered them.
Just my luck, my wife left work early that day, saw the package, and sent me this text:
I feel like wives get a rise out of catching their husband doing something “wrong.”
Where is the praise for my perfection 6 out of 7 days per week? I have one bad day, and that’s all she cares about? Now she’s doing a touchdown dance, and spiking the ball, saying “AHA! I CAUGHT!”
Meanwhile, every day I say she’s beautiful, even through the demonic cloud of her morning breath.
It’s true, the Amazon costs are piling up. But as a millennial man, if you’re going to be addicted to anything (besides video games and fitness), it should be books.
No matter how perfect a husband you are, inevitably your wife will find something to complain about.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.