My wife texted this picture to me and I was waiting for the punchline. I figured, it’s a complete joke, right?

NOPE! Turns out it’s completely serious. They call this the “Men’s high-compression waistcoat Body Shaper.” But for people who AREN’T BULLSHITERS it’s just known as the MALE CORSET.

I know, I know. “Male corset.” It’s a paradox. Kind of like saying a male’s vagina.

But get this… The male corset is popular enough that they offer it in MULTIPLE COLORS!

Other than complete tools, I tried to estimate what type of man would wear such a thing. Here are my findings:

It’s not the fat guy

It would look silly for a 225 pounder to have a pleasant round face, and then out of nowhere come out with biceps and a chest like a bodybuilder. Only contestants in the strongman competition look like that.

The fat guy is aware that he’s fat, but he’s not overly embarrassed by it. For instance, he might be too shy to take off his t-shirt at the beach on a hot day, but he’s not going to stoop to the level of wearing a corset.

It’s not the skinny guy

The skinny guy may be submissive or feminine. After all, he wears tight jeans and looks like he cares about his diet, but he would never wear one of these because of three reasons:

• He doesn’t want the attention
• He would look fucking stupid
• He doesn’t have any meat to shape.

It’s not the fit guy

Obviously.

IT IS… the slightly overweight metro

It’s that guy who’s not really that fat, but definitely not in great shape. He’s about 15 to 25 pounds overweight. He wears hair gel. He has breasts that poke out just enough from his polo shirt to make you angry. He goes to the club acting tough, but really has nothing going for him but a sheepish personality and a male corset.

He’s lazy. He has a hard time getting laid. His room is messy. He’s quite possibly the lowest form of mankind in the history of earth, as long as you count out terrorists, evil dictators and Nicholas Cage from Face/Off.

How do I know this? Because I used to be that guy, minus the hair gel and corset. And who knows, maybe I would have worn them if they existed when I was that weight. But until this hypothetical metro throws away his male corset I hope he never gets laid. He doesn’t deserve it… On second thought, I actually hope this man does get a girl at a club, then brings her home, and then before he has the chance to sneak into the bathroom to change she rips off his clothes and she realizes he’s wearing A FUCKING CORSET!