My wife and I recently got some amazing news that we’re gonna have a baby girl. Yes! I’ve always wanted a girl! Primarily because girls are less likely to play video game, and I did not want to share my video games with anyone!
Upon announcing on Facebook that I was going to be a dad, what followed were some egregious well wishes and assumptions from my friends and family. Here are some of my least favorite comments from you people.
No you’re not. Nobody is happy for someone else unless it benefits them financially, professionally, or physically… if you know what I mean 😉
Actually, I don’t even know what I mean. Haven’t slept with her since that one night.
Absolutely false. My goal is to be an okay father. Just good enough to be allowed to continue sleeping in my own home. If I’m too good of a father, then my daughter will come to me for everything: advice, money, a ride to and from a party… I can’t have my daughter thinking I’m reliable. I don’t have time for all those things. She needs to ask her mother. I’ll be busy playing video games.
What are you congratulating her for? I did all the work! Now she gets all the credit?!
Yes, you asshole. That’s why the post is pink!
Who said I’m inviting you over?
Well obviously, if it gets my looks. But what if it gets my hairy legs? What are you going to say then?
Because you must be the son of God and have the authority to bless me. Stuff your blessings down your Christmas socks, and instead send me your money and baby gifts. Feel free to send those baby gifts in the form of Amazon gift cards, so I can buy myself some electronics. Thanks in advance.
In all seriousness, I am very thankful for everyone’s support and wishes. I’m looking forward to the challenges and joys of parenthood. The doctor said there’s a high probability that I’m the father, so that’s exciting, I guess. I’ve also been told a very cool wive’s tale about the intelligence of my future child… Apparently if the mother has a big rump, then the child will be smart. I don’t know why or whether that’s true. But my wife has a big, ol’ rump so I’m going to bank on this baby being the next Alfred Einstone, just like her dad!