I have a hard time believing Black Bears are scared of people. I feel that’s just the media lying to me so that the next time I see a bear in my backyard enjoying lamb and vegetable skewers I’m not scared shitless.
Think about this: A male black bear can weigh up to 600 pounds. So you, the media, is trying to tell me that if I confront a black bear I’m supposed to grab a large branch and make crazy amounts of noise to scare that hairy beast away…? Not. Gonna. Happen… You know why? BECAUSE IT’S FOUR TIMES MY SIZE!
The only thing that I’m sure of when I come face to face with a bear is that I will crap myself. And I can only hope to be so lucky that Mr. Bear has so much of a distaste for the processed chicken and black bean burrito in my underpants that he decides to walk the other way.
The polar bear has been waltzing around earth with one of the coolest names for far too long. From now on I’m calling the polar bear the ‘White Bear.’ If we’re going to be racist and label the brown and black bear by the color of their skin, then let’s even the score and do the same to the white bear.
You know what? I’ll take it a step further. We should call this white bear the ‘stupid, moronic, dimwitted, freezing-your-balls-off’ bear because who with half a brain would willingly live in polar weather?
Hey Polar Bear, you had the choice of living in the temperate mountains with your brown and black brothers, but you decided to abandon them and suffer through arctic conditions? Are you an idiot? You don’t need to answer that question because, yes, you are an idiot, and in fact you’re even more than that: You’re a ‘stupid, moronic, dimwitted, freezing-your-balls-off ‘ bear who deserted your brethren.
If you’re going to desert someone for a better life, you move to the pasture or a Caribbean island.
But let’s be serious for one moment. If we’re giving the polar bear the freedom to own that incredible name, we must be fair and offer the brown and black bears equal opportunity to own cooler names as well. The brown bear does have a close relative, the grizzly bear, which is probably the awesomest name you could ever have for a bear. But let’s not be racist and confuse the two. Just because they look alike, doesn’t mean the brown and grizzly bear are the same sub-species.
Here are a couple name suggestions for both the brown and black bear.
Chumbawamba Bear – That one-hit wonder band clearly gave up, but that awesome name is going to waste. Let’s use it for the brown bear.
Master Fisherman Locitus Solfurus Bear – These bears don’t need fishing rods to catch fish. They use their claws like real men. That’s why they’re master fisherman in my eyes.
In case you’re wondering, I think it’s bullshit that we have to use Greek and Latin to name species of animals. But I added the ‘Locitus Solfurus’ to the name so that at least it sounds Latin because that’s the only way those jerk scientists will even consider my proposed name change.
Wussy Bear – I wanted to use a ‘P’ instead of a ‘W’ there but my wife refused. But if these black bears are actually wimps, why not just come out of the closet and say it? Don’t be shy. I’m a wimp just like you, black bear. I yell at people online and then hibernate in the comfort of my own home. And yes, I always remember to turn on the security system to my house.
Gummy Bear – At first this may sound like a great idea, but I fear this name for the sake of our children. If we begin calling the black bear a ‘gummy bear,’ then our kids will approach those predators because they’ll think they’re friendly and chewable. And you thought talking to strangers was bad, kiddo…?
Okay. It’s time for this stupid blog to stop now. If you have a better idea for what we should call the polar, brown, or black bear, then send me a tweet @THEBostonJew.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.