If I were you and you were me, you’d want to be me. Fuck you.
Every time you walk outside, you know where you’re going.
You don’t hit your head on kitchen cabinets as much as me.
When you check your analog wristwatch, you stay calm if it takes you longer than 6 seconds to figure out the time.
My taste in music is eclectic. Sometimes I listen to sound effects from movies, such as the T-Rex roaring in Jurassic Park – repeatedly. You don’t.
You use a Psychiatrist instead of a mirror.
When you invite me to your party, you only enjoy my company before I come over and after I leave.
You are legitimately happy for other people’s success.
You like oranges without seeds in them. Of all the things you could whine about, you chose oranges.
You think I’m like herpes; preferable to avoid at all costs, but absolutely necessary for humor’s sake.
You wish this blog would end already. You tell me I write too much. I think you read too little. Short and sweet describes my physique, not my blog.
As punishment, I will keep writing.
You still put up Facebook statuses telling me the restaurant or bar you just entered. Maybe next time I’ll show up and join your table……. in light of that, some of you will never again share any such status information because there might be that 1 in 100 chance that I go through with that threat.
Due to this blog, 10%-15% of you are mildly concerned about my state of mind right now.
35%-40% of you understand the blog is how I stay healthy.
90% of the original 10%-15% of those who were worried about my state of mind are now temporarily relieved.
The rest of you are too primitive to contemplate such things.
If you stopped reading by now, you’re obviously upset with me.
If you didn’t even start to read this, how did you get this far?
The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.
Written by Rel
Ariel "Rel" Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.