If you asked me five years ago if I could ever imagine myself mowing the lawn and enjoying it, then I’d tell you to shut the fuck up and talk sports with me already. But I have a great time doing it. It’s a stress reliever. But I shouldn’t have let my wife know that.
Sometimes when I mow I see her gazing at me from the window. We’re both deeply in love and paranoid, so I’m pretty sure she’s looking at me both to take a lovely peek at me and to make sure my foot wasn’t struck by the mower’s blades. It never is. I’ll let you know next week if I jinxed myself.
I came inside from mowing one time and my wife said, “I love that you mow every week. I really appreciate that about you. I really do.”
She hugged my sweaty body and I mistakenly replied, “Baby, I love mowing. It’s not even a chore to me. It’s fun.”
It was a mistake because the main reason I mow—or do any chore for that matter— is to gain couch and video game time. You’ve heard me say this many times: The more chores I complete, the more video games my wife lets me play.
The problem with enjoying a chore is a wife doesn’t view it as a chore if you’re having fun. So she won’t give you any additional couch or video game points for that chore. In fact, after my last mow my wife told me as I sat my tired body on the couch, “No! You’re not playing video games. You just had your fun outside. You’re going to help me cook now!”
My fellow American husbands, I urge you to always pretend that all the chores you endure are annoying. Even if you love mowing, painting, or building the deck, put on your Grammy Award winning acting skills and make it seem like brutal work.
In the coming weeks I will act as if I enjoy mowing the lawn less and less. Hopefully by week four my wife will believe I hate mowing the lawn, and my efforts will turn into video-game points again.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.