After Volkswagen pulled one of the biggest schemes in automaker history, Jewish penguins are planning an attack on the German automaker. But the reason for why they are attacking might surprise a Jew or few.
“Let’s be clear. We aren’t going to war with Volkswagen because of pollution,” Peggy Pengwitz, President of the Jewish Penguins, said to a crowd of penguins, elephant seals, seagulls, sea lions, and polar bears. “We’re going to war because Germany should have let us in on this amazing money-making scheme.”
Volkswagen profited billions by using deceptive tactics to take advantage of eco-friendly, upper-middle-class assholes that think they are cool, but who are simply stupid because they could have bought less expensive, longer-lasting Hondas and Toyotas.
By lying to its customers and the Environmental Protection Agency about it’s vehicles carbon monoxide emissions, Volkswagen proved a valiant disciple of the Bernie Madoff School of Tomfoolery. And, when there’s dirty money to be made, the Jewish Penguin President wants in.
“Contrary to popular belief, Arctic animals are pro-global warming,” the President said. “These smelly hippies that want to keep it cold up here… why don’t they try living in negative a million degrees weather? They’ll see how hard it is to light a blunt with 100-mile-per-hour scolding, cold winds! If anything, we want more pollution if it means warmer weather.”
To defend itself from nosediving, kamikaze penguins, Germany has installed spikes on its Volkswagen facilities, reminiscent of a Civil War fort.
The penguins don’t have access to satellite imagery and they don’t have any spies in Germany, so they have no idea the spikes are awaiting them, and they will therefor die upon impact.