My hometown of Brookline, Massachusetts is frequently mentioned on those top-100 lists, but I’m sick and tired of seeing my rival town, Newton, make the top-20 every time. And they always beat out Brookline on those lists.
Well wake up and smell the newsflash: Newton Sucks. Brookline is Boss!
Brookline is a mere few miles, or three train stops, from Boston. So it never takes too long to drunken walk back from the best party town in New England. Newton is just far enough from the Boston scene that it’s annoying to drive to and fro the city.
Brookline has a higher ratio of young adults to children than Newton. Even though they are our future, we all know that children suck, and young adults are awesome.
Brookline has more confident turkeys than Newton.
Brookline has Publick House. The bar with the best beer in the Boston area. If you disagree, then you’re probably a wimpy, whiny, wine-o from Newton.
Brookline has THE ORIGINAL Anna’s Taqueria. The best damn burritos and quesadillas in New England. If you disagree, then you’re probably some jerk who works for Chipotle, in which case I feel sorry for you and your MSG-ridden veins.
Brookline has Pino’s Pizzeria. Oh, you didn’t know where to find the best pizza and cheesesteak joint in the Boston area? Now you do. Technically this restaurant is on the border of Brighton and Brookline, but most of Brighton doesn’t even know this place exists. Brighton is usually busy getting drunk off bottom-shelf vodka in Allston and then stumbling into their apartment to have shitty, microwaveable DiGiorno’s pizza at 2:30 a.m. before nose-diving into their frameless, low-lying, smelly beds.
Brookline has Osaka. No big deal. It’s only the most fun and tastiest hibachi place in the Boston suburbs. And if Osaka’s tables are full, how about walking a mere one minute to the next best thing, Fugakyu…? (No, I wasn’t swearing at you. Fugakyu is the name of the restaurant, you ignorant racist)
Brookline has the best first-date restaurant around, The Regal Beagle. And if things go well there, right across the street is the best ‘I guess I have to put up with my husband watching sports tonight’-restaurant in town, Coolidge Corner Clubhouse.
Brookline gave birth to JFK, Barbara Walters, and Conan O’Brien. Newton gave birth to boredom and the Fig Newton, the most overrated cookie in history. Take out that nasty filling and maybe I’ll have a bite in Brookline, and then spit it out on a Newton road.
Brookline invented the wheel…
Okay fine, that was a lie. But somewhere along the line, we’re probably related to the monkey that did. Whereas Newton is probably related to the monkey that invented the idiotic ‘No Right Turn on Red’ sign.
Brookline has diversity in its school system and workforce. The only diversity you’ll find in Newton is in its tax schemes. And I guess you could say Newton did have a half Mexican at one point, the hilarious comedian Louis C.K. But I honestly don’t even think Mexicans realize he’s half Mexican. The man looks more Irish than anyone casted in The Departed.
Brookline doesn’t give a shit. It literally doesn’t. Brookline walks around being Brookline and NOT ONCE does it stare in the mirror to see how good it looks. While Newton is like the evil queen from Snow White, begging her mirror to tell her she’s the fairest of them all… Well, Mr. Magical Mirror, it’s probably a good idea to conceal the truth from that Medusa-faced Newton so she doesn’t do something rash.
Long story, short: People from Newton need to stop begging websites to blog about how awesome Newton is. Everyone and their needy, dominating Jewish mother knows that Brookline is better. We just don’t show it off every damn chance we get.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an awesome time in Brookline to get to.