Geckos in space. Missions to Mars to retrieve dust. All you bullshit scientists push out a new study every damn week, and maybe 1% of the time your experiments actually amount to something good.
So now it’s my turn to reveal the results of an accidental experiment, which will help mankind understand women a bit more. I guarantee you this is more valuable than knowing the answer to “Can Geckos Fuck in Space?”
Better yet, my experiment resulted in no casualties, and my government didn’t have to supply me with billions of dollars in funding to figure this stuff out, like NASA.
This experiment cost me zero dollars.
Last night my wife, Courtney, and I were sleeping peacefully until I started snoring.
If you have a wife, husband, gay partner, or a gay or straight animal that’s more than 60 pounds who sleeps in the same bedroom as you, then you know how annoying snoring can get.
Note: The Boston Jew apologizes for not including asexuals, transexuals, bisexuals, trisexuals, quadsexuals, or infinitesexuals from that last list of people.
In my bedroom I’m the snorer. And even in the rare occasion that my wife snores I get a little ticked off at her if it prevents me from sleeping. But I never do anything about it. I just let her snore and eventually it goes away. But what does my wife do when I snore…? She shushes me.
Literally she gives me the, “SHHHHHHHH!!!” like the librarian would if two students were flirting too loudly.
It’s such a piercing shush that it wakes me up immediately. And when my wife shushes me, I feel guilty. As if it were my fault that I snored.
It’s natural, though. How can she blame me?
So on this night I snored and was awakened by my wife’s shush. I apologized quietly and turned my body around to start sleeping on my stomach, instead of my back. When I sleep on my stomach I don’t snore as much.
And some of you jerks are probably saying, “Dude, so why don’t you just always sleep on your stomach…?”
Well, if you must know, you jerk, my body and mind are peculiar. I can only fall asleep on my back. And I can only sleep on my stomach after I’ve fallen asleep. So if I wake up in the middle of the night, only then can I shift around and sleep on my stomach. But I always have to begin by sleeping on my back. So shut up with your questions.
I woke up this morning and apologized to my wife for snoring the night before.
“What? I didn’t hear you snoring,” she said.
She didn’t hear me snoring? Did I dream it up? Or was I in another woman’s bedroom…? No, no, now that’s a dream!
I was definitely in my wife’s bedroom, and I definitely heard her shushing me. Notice, by the way, how I said my wife’s bedroom. I’m only a year-and-a-half into marriage, but like a good, new dog, I’m learning fast who really owns the house.
“Courtney,” I replied. “You definitely heard me snoring. You shushed me!”
“I don’t remember that at all,” she said.
(Cue the hip-hop version of the X-Files theme music…)[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/57466967″ params=”auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=true” width=”100%” height=”150″ iframe=”true” /]
What does the fact that my wife doesn’t remember the shushing prove? Perhaps one of two things. Here are my theories:
Theory #1: My wife was sleeping and at the same time shut me up, therefore women are innate multi-taskers.
Theory #2: Regardless of circumstance or noise, women have an alarm that goes off in their head to remind them to shush their husbands every four hours between 11:30 p.m. and 7:00 a.m.
Theory #2 seems more plausible to me. At around 11:30 p.m. my wife told me to shut off the iPad because she couldn’t fall asleep – that could be considered shushing-alarm #1 of the night. And then around 3 a.m. to 4 a.m. my wife shushed me again while I was snoring – that was shushing-alarm #2, merely four hours after the first shushing-alarm.
In the next few weeks I will conduct two repetitive experiments to test my theories:
Experiment #1: This will include me fake snoring for 10 minutes straight every 45 minutes from 1 a.m. to 6 a.m.
Experiment #2: The following night I won’t snore at all.
I will repeat these two experiments for three weeks straight. In both experiments I will record the time of my wife’s shushes.
If my wife shushes me every time I snore, theory #1 will be proven. If my wife only shushes me once every four hours, then theory #2 will be proven.
In order to conduct these experiments, I need your help.
I’ll be staying up all night to conduct these snoring experiments, so I won’t have the energy to go to work. I need my fans to donate the money that I would be receiving from my company paycheck in those three weeks of work.
Please donate your money in the form of a book order. Buy this damn book and we’ll call it even. Remember, this is for science, baby! This isn’t some horseshit fundraiser to pay for my future kid’s Mercedes-Benz.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.