I’m an avid National Geographic reader and recently there was an amazingly picturesque but pointless article on the Club-Winged Manakin – a bullshit bird about to go extinct because it sucks at life. The Club-Winged Manakin can be found in northwest South America and its habitat lies within a small section of Ecuador and Columbia, an extremely small span of land for the average bird. It never outreaches these borders because in my estimation it either has fear of flight or is loving the Columbian coke.
The scientist highlighted in this article has been researching this lost cause for the past 10 years, and one of her incredibly forgettable findings was that the bird uses its wings to sing – like a mini pathetic violin. By shuffling its wings 1,500 times a second, the manakins create a unique sound to communicate and attract mates. Perhaps they’re spending so much energy talking with their wings that they’re too tired to fly outside of Ecuador and Columbia. Or is it the coke thing again? They’re too high to fly?
More to the point, why do we need to know these things? This scientist dedicated 10 years (10 YEARS!!!) of her life to watch a bird shuffle its feathers?! If my family found out I was watching a bird for that long, they would drag me to a nut house.
America wonders why our economy is shitting the sink like Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids? It’s because we’re throwing millions of dollars away on doctors, expeditions and zoos to research, cage and rape animals. Even if they don’t actually touch, trap or inflict harm to these animals, they’re infecting our minds with irrelevant information. Our government isn’t spending any money to prevent the extinction of Syria, yet millions and billions to instagram wing-talking birds.
I really hate zoos, zoologists, bacteria-enthusiasts, fungi-fairies and anyone that stands for staring at animals for hours at a time. Laughable is their reasoning for playing God with these animals. They think they’re doing it for the better of humanity, society, the animal kingdom and the human race – but they’re no better than Kevorkian or any human-testing war criminal from the past. The only difference is: animals can’t unite and revolt against their oppressors.
Just because you studied a parakeet in a cage for six years and found out what its mating call was, doesn’t mean anything for the human race. Humans don’t want to know what a bird’s mating call is because we don’t want to have sex with them. I want to know what my mate’s preferred mating call is so I can seduce her before she falls asleep on the couch at 9pm. For that I would invest millions.
All animals have their time – everyone knows this. It’s Darwinism – realism – knowledge you picked up in 5th grade. Stop caging and saving animals on their way out. Would you like it if dinosaurs were still around? I thank god Jeff Goldblum had the presence of mind to realize how much of a mistake Jurassic Park owner, John Hammond, was making. In a lesser way, the government and coked-up, wing-flapping, bird lovers are making that same mistake.
The Boston Jew is a humor blog. Though you may not find it funny, we thank you for wasting your time with us today.