Don’t worry, this isn’t another post from a single, protesting hippie claiming that Valentine’s Day is a marketing scheme. This comes from a married man with years of experience in doing the least amount possible for a woman, while still being able to sleep with her.
There’s a fine line between being a good husband, and exceeding expectations and being too good of a husband. If the dangers of being too good of a husband or boyfriend aren’t clear to you, then I suggest you continue reading.
So, during Valentine’s Day, here’s why you should not buy your wife or girlfriend flowers, chocolate, or cook for her.
Buying her flowers leads her to believe that you think about her all the time, and that she is the flower of her life. Her believing such things will lead to a romantic evening. A romantic evening leads to the bed. In the bed you’re expected to accomplish the impossible. And when you fail, and fail you will, she will remember that night and use it as ammo against you. And we all know she’ll talk to her friends about this over glasses of wine. So instead of only your girlfriend knowing you’re horrible in bed, now five girls know.
Relationships, from the man’s perspective, aren’t about success. They are about limiting the amount of times you fail. So try not to sleep with her too often, especially not on Valentine’s Day when the stakes are so much higher.
Chocolate can have a similar effect to flowers in that it forces you to have sex with her that night. The added negative of chocolate is that, slowly and surely, sweets like those will lead to weight gain. Weight gain leads her to looking at the mirror progressively longer. For every pound she gains she will stare at the mirror an additional 15 seconds.
This technically is a good thing if she gains 500 pounds because that means you have more than two hours of undisturbed TV time while she’s looking at the mirror. However, according to science, that type of weight gain is not healthy for her health.
Needless to say, that type of weight gain will also eventually make her ask you the impossible question, “Do I look fat?”
“Ye—NO! OF COURSE NOT HONEY!” you say.
And then she says, “Be honest! Just tell me: Do I need to go to the gym more often?”
And then you say, “I meaaaaaan, maybe a little bit?”
“YOU ASSHOLE!” she yells, and tells you to find another place to live. Or worse, to sleep on the couch that night.
Cooking for your wife or girlfriend on Valentine’s Day is very risky. On the one hand you want to cook well to impress her. On the other hand, if you cook well enough she might ask you to cook regularly. And therein lies the danger of cooking for her because if you purposefully cook poorly, then she will think you’re a loser.
If you must cook, then the best possible solution is a balance between shitty and good cooking. Try to cook 20% worse than her average dish. She will taste it and think, hmmm at least he tried, so I love him, but what she’ll say aloud is, “Wow, baby! This is really good,” while feeding the dog the plate when your back is turned.
Overall, being a shitty man during Valentine’s Day gives you extra time with the things you actually love: the TV, the man cave, video games, and not being with her in bed.