Thanks to advancements in DNA research, it has been concluded that Moses inappropriately fondled the Ten Commandments, perhaps even going as far as dry humping the 7th commandment, “Thou shall not commit adultery.”
What led to the investigation of stone-tablet-rapist Moses was the length of his suspicious absence during his climb up Mount Sinai. In fact, it wasn’t the first time he climbed the mountain.
According to Flavius Josephus, a Roman-Jewish Scholar from the 1st century, Moses reportedly went up Mount Sinai the first time and brought back political order to his people. Josephus continues to say that, “Moses went up for the second time, and after 40 days, he showed them the two tablets, with the ten commandments engraved upon them, five upon each tablet, and the writing was by the hand of God.”
“Why would someone hide in the mountains for 40 days with stone tablets?” a PhD Fartford University professor mockingly posed. “Obviously he sexually assaulted the commandments.”
Using dust particles brushed from the stone tablets, the Fartford professor found traces of napkins, Aveeno hand lotion, nacho-cheese flavored Doritos, and Sleezy Heeby Magazine.
And because Moses made two trips up Mount Sinai, it’s likely he assaulted the tablets twice.
“To Moses, Mount Sinai was like a Las Vegas Casino to the likes of you and I,” Rabbi Loxowitz said. “A place to sin, break the Sabbath, and have a great time.”
In addition to sexually assaulting the stone tablets literally, it is believed that Moses also figuratively fucked the commandments during his time in Mount Sinai. According to a former archaeologist and current heroin addict, during an excavation the remains of prostitutes’ blouses were found in Mount Sinai, all with traces of DNA linked to Moses.
Are all of our heroes just sexual predators?