There was a time I thought getting a dog would be an awesome bonus for my marriage. That time was three months ago. Now it’s clear the only thing our new dog has done is placed me second in my wife’s eyes.
I woke up Saturday morning to see my wife kindly petting Lady Brady, who was sleeping peacefully on our bed. Only a couple months ago she wasn’t allowed to sleep with us because we had “rules.” We scoffed at experienced dog owners who told us, “Just you wait. Your dog will be sleeping on your bed in no time.”
Lady has a beautiful, soft fur coat, and a friendly disposition. Aside from a few accidents inside the house she is technically a perfect puppy. But my main problem with this bitch is my wife gives her credit for the simplest tasks, while I’m working like a horse and getting no reward.
Every time Lady Brady poops outside my wife gives her a treat. And every time I poop in the bathroom my wife runs away. Shouldn’t I get a treat? Or should I follow Lady Brady’s lead and poop outside, too? Isn’t that illegal?
I come home every day after work and all I get is a quick, “Hi babe,” and kiss from the wife. Then she goes right to Lady Brady and rubs her belly for five minutes. What is this?! I just worked my ass off all day so we could pay our bills—and the dog’s bills—and LADY BRADY is the one getting all the rubs? How can I get a rub in?
Every time we go shopping she sees a toy that would be “perfect for Lady Brady.” I know I’m a hypocrite here because I have about a thousand video games, but this dog has already received more gifts in the past three months than I have sex in the past three years.
I fear the night of the day we get a second dog. There will be no more room for me on my wife’s bed.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.