Dear Grandma, you and I both know that your grandkids are absolutely tired of coming over. They’ve made it more than obvious that going to your house is worse than a chore. Don’t you wish they would at least PRETEND like you’re a good time? Wouldn’t it be nice if they stayed longer than one-and-a-half hours, and more often than twice a year…? Well here’s how to do that….
Nobody cares about the stupid games you play with your other elderly friends: Old Maid, Five Card Draw, Rummy, Cribbage… You literally do nothing all day, so maybe you can try learning a game that was created in the past 20 years…? Like Cards Against Humanity.
The grandkids don’t care about your photo albums. Leave those in the basement to continue collecting dust, and put the game on.
It’s not 1998 anymore. If you want people to see your photos, get an Instagram or Facebook account, or one of those digital picture frames.
Your grandkids love snacks, but they didn’t come over for an all-you-can eat buffet of 9-year-old, stale wafers. How about instead you pull out grandpa’s 30-year-old scotch? And instead of the ancient snacks and sweets in your cupboards, text the grandkids before they come over to buy some Doritos and pretzels that are less than five years old.
Though your impending death is sad, your grandkids are really excited about all the money they’ll get from you. They have no idea how much your estate is worth, but they do know that it should be enough to buy that ‘fuck-you car’ they’ve been dreaming about. And when they buy that ‘fuck-you car’ they CAN’T WAIT to wake up early one morning and park in their boss’s parking spot.
The more you talk about your inheritance, the less often the grandkids will doze off during your stories of ye olde times.
Perhaps your grandkids have noticed that you’ve never really lived in luxury, and that you may not have much money in the estate. After all, you drive an old Buick. You live in a one-story home. You still own a square TV. You use your neighbor’s internet connection… So lie to them. Tell them you are in fact extremely wealthy, but that you’re living such a frugal life so that your kids and grandkids will have more for their inheritance. Knowing this, your family is sure to visit and have video chats with you more frequently.
I mean, seriously, what is that smell, Grandma? It doesn’t smell bad in here, it just smells OLD! I get it, you can’t clean the house every week like you used to. The knees are weak. The mind is exhausted. But let some air into the house once in a while!
When your grandkids are about to leave, never ask them for another visit. Even if you had an amazing time, just act cool. Act as if your grandkids did NOT just make your day by visiting. Show them you’re not desperate.
After doing all this, your kids will leave thinking, “Holy shit, my grandma let us watch sports, booze, is giving us all this money, and isn’t nagging us to see her…? I need to party with this bitch all the time!”