I’m sitting at work on a Friday at 4:50 p.m.
Suddenly I get a text. Like a pin popping a balloon, my plan for the night evaporates into thin air. The text was from my wife. It read: “No video games for you tonight. We’re watching a movie.”
This isn’t the first time she’s said this, and unfortunately I know it won’t be the last. In the past I would say things like, “Why don’t you just watch Transparent, and I’ll do my own thing.”
She would reply, “But I want us to watch something together.”
I would say, “But I’ll be right there next to you playing video games. Our feet can touch. What’s the difference?”
Then she gives me the ultimate guilt, “Don’t you like doing anything with me anymore?”
And then we end up watching 75% of some shitty Zac Efron movie together.
So when I got that text on Friday I was disappointed, but I didn’t reject her idea because I knew it would hurt her feelings, and that would mean both her and the dog giving me sad eyes, and that’s too much to handle. Instead I texted back, “That’s a great idea!”
During the ride home from work I was thinking of ways to avoid watching that movie, without actually telling her that I didn’t want to. And the only logical solution that came to mind was somehow getting her in bed early. Hence, I needed to think of a legal way to make her sleepy <insert overused Bill Cosby joke>.
Here’s what I did, and it worked like a charm:
Twenty five minutes later she was fast asleep, and asked me to tuck her in bed for the night. I had to pretend I was sad she was going to sleep early, and that I liked the shirtless Efron movie, so I said, “Awww, can we finish the movie some other day?”
With her eyes closed she yawned, and said, “Yes, I promise. I’m sorry I’m so tired.”
I thought to myself, you don’t have to promise, and you definitely don’t have to be sorry.
“Good night, baby,” I whispered, and then rushed downstairs to video-game heaven.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.