Allow me to preface this by saying, I am guilty of having no filter, no professionalism, and very little tact. But I know when to draw the line. You people, on the other hand, don’t seem to understand how to talk to a pregnant woman or unborn child. The following are absolutely despicable, horrible, and downright brave things you have said to my pregnant wife and unborn child.
(Don’t tell my wife this, but I find these hilarious! But if she asks, tell her I said this is totally unacceptable!)
WHAT? WHO SAYS THAT?! The kid is still swimming in my wife’s belly, and we’re talking plastic surgery? Whoever said this, I need you to do a surgery to remove your voice box.
There is nothing wrong with my nose… other than maybe it looks like Mr. Potato Head’s nose and MAYBE my daughter will blame me for life if she has one resembling it.
NOPE! ONLY ONE, YOU JERK! But thanks for telling my wife that she looks even fatter than a regular pregnant person. You really helped me out on that one! There I was sitting in the living room, playing video games care-free. And in storms my wife, “SHUT THE VIDEO GAMES OFF. I NEED TO TALK.”
So because of you I had to shut off my video games and waste 15 minutes explaining to my wife that whoever said that to her is an asshole (especially because he cost me video game time).
But first, here’s how the conversation went:
Valet Guy: So you’re having a boy huh!
Wife: No, it’s a girl.
Valet Guy: No, it’s definitely a boy.
Wife: Well, the doctor and scans THAT I’VE SEEN WITH MY TWO HUMAN EYES have said it’s a girl.
Valet Guy: Hmmm, they’re wrong. You’re definitely having a boy. I can tell by the shape of your butt and belly.
Wow, quite ballsy for a valet guy, I must say. You can pretty much guarantee that you’re not getting a tip from an already terrible tipper: my wife.
Not only that, you blatantly told my wife that you stared at her butt and belly. Can you at least just sneak those peaks in when she walks away? Isn’t that what all the rest of us sleazy, scumbags are supposed to do?
HEY, YOU NONCHALANT, PUBLIC GROPER… CAN YOU NOT?! That’s as inconsiderate as asking a celebrity for an autograph when they’re trying to have an intimate dinner at a restaurant with their family.
If the baby happens to kick while you’re talking to her, and she motions your hand to touch her, then you can touch her belly. That’s assuming I’m not within 100 yards to face-punch you.
Get off my wife. Get off my lawn.
Cool, thanks, bye.
Let’s say you’re an absolute moron like the aforementioned folks, how do you interact with a pregnant woman? What types of things can you say? For people like you this thing called “social skills” or “tact” is really hard to perfect!
The first thing you want to remember is a mathematical equation: A pregnant woman has feelings that are ten times stronger than a non-pregnant woman. So if you wouldn’t say something to a non-pregnant woman about her body, then you’re ten-times the moron for saying that to a pregnant woman.
The only words that should come out of your mouth about her body are: “YOU LOOK GREAT!”
Other than that, please just do me a favor, stupid people: Stay away from my wife until the baby is born. Okay? I have a limited time for fun right now, and you’re ruining my house life. Every additional minute that you’re making me play psychologist for her is another minute away from video games.
(Remember… between us, this is fucking hilarious!)