Contemporary Art….. just the thought of it makes me nauseous. You see, there are two types of art: Art and Contemporary “Art.”
We’ll call it contemporary *FART from now on so I don’t have to keep using quotations. It’s difficult to type laying on my stomach, while reaching for the shift- and parentheses-key at the same time.
(*FART is a double-entendre which means: Fraudulent-Art or Art that reminisces of fart)
Let’s start with one of the most common of contemporary FART pieces out there, the random color orientation piece. Technically the picture at right is a famous painting in the modern art world, but it’s so horrible looking that for the purposes of this blog I’m going to place it in the contemporary art category.
Take a look at it for about 15 seconds.
Good, now look at it again.
Why is it famous? I dunno. Definitely not for its artistic prowess. Whatever this artist thinks they were painting, it looks like a scattered display of meiosis (diagram of meiosis, below).
If you were to put this in the Museum of Fine Arts you’d get the same reaction from anyone without a PhD in neuroscience, “What the fuck?”.
But I can’t really judge this artist without knowing their background. Perhaps at some point this person was performing brain surgery and thought it’d be neat to portray their medical experiences on canvas.
Yea, I really wanna see what the inside of a brain looks like in an artistic manner. Instead of vomiting completely from looking at a real brain image, I’ll just gag a bit from your artistic interpretation. Thanks for toning it down for me.
If you asked me which I prefer, to be shat upon or farted upon, of course I’m going to say fart (hence, contemporary Fart), but why not make life simple and give me the option to do neither? Meaning, why show artistic ineptitude in the first place?
Shown at right is another piece, commonly misnomered as art, but here known as The Car Wreck. I call it a car wreck because if you took the insides out of a multi-car accident and just left the frames, that’s what it would look like. Oh thank you genius with duck tape and flexible poles, you’ve really broadened my perception of life! On second thought, I actually have no god-damn clue what I’m starting at. Just this confusion alone is making me frustrated. Is that what you wanted? Is your goal to ignite emotion with your lack of ability? I could have stared at a dumpster for just as long and been more enlightened. I’m so dried up from these convoluted pieces that the tears of disgust from my eyes just turn to crust and I pick em out and hurl em at whoever stares in astonishment for more than 30-seconds. What’s so interesting? Haven’t you seen telephone wires before? Oh that’s right, those wires were stretched out on an electric grid, it’s much more fascinating when you bundle them up. Morons.
I feel like contemporary FART is like Organic Food. If something tastes really bad, supermarkets just put the Organic label on it and women will buy it (as well as the metros and gays). If you see art that perturbs you, museums slap the contemporary label on and it sells to hippies, wanna-be NYC art-junkie college-kids, and actual NYC art-junkies. Nobody with half an IQ who’s seen a renaissance or classical art display could ever walk through a whole contemporary-art exhibit… unless it’s the only hallway leading to the bathroom. That’s funny to me, because the museum near me has 2 main-bathrooms on opposite sides of the contemporary-art exhibit. Museums probably share the same sentiment as me, keep the toilets close when perusing contemporary FART.
Below is an enjoyable contemporary art piece. Technically it can’t be under the umbrella of “contemporary art” because it’s worth looking at. But it was drawn within the past 10 years, so it’s certainly contemporary.