In an effort to tip the scale of the California vote, which typically leans Democrat, Donald Trump proposed a water pipeline from Mars to California, giving the state the water it needs to once again proliferate the only crop its good for, marijuana.
A mere seconds after NASA announced its water findings on Mars, Trump and his staff—which consists of 64 monkeys smashing away at computers, a mountain goat who eats documents that Trump doesn’t want exposed to the public, and a guy who watches WWE on a nightly basis—drew up their plans for the pipeline.
When asked if the distance from Earth to Mars was too great and too expensive for a pipeline, Trump responded, “If you look at the image here you’ll see that Mars is pretty close to us. Looks like a matter of inches to me.”
As for who would build the pipeline, Trump promised to forego his plan to deport 11 million Mexicans back to Mexico, and instead hire them to do the job. He would then ask those Mexicans to move to Mars, where they could start their own civilization with free-flowing water, and enough land to build all the soccer fields their hearts desire. Trump would not comment on whether he would provide those Mexicans with spacesuits. Trump also refused to admit that by the time the Mexicans reached Mars, there would be no water left because it would all be drained.
The Mexicans biggest concern is the stability of the soccer balls. It remains unknown if soccer balls are able to remain inflated on Mars, given the unforgiving nature of the atmosphere. But to combat this paranoia, Trump said he would hire Tom Brady as the Surgeon General of Mars Soccer Balls. Trump recently alleged that Brady was his best friend, even though Brady has clearly indicated that his only best friends are Gisele and WINNING.
“I love Tom’s balls, if you know what I mean,” a drooling Trump said in a press conference. When asked to expand on what he meant, Trump showed a picture of Tom’s actual testicles that he stole from the quarterback’s phone before it was destroyed.
With help from one of his monkeys, Trump also released a 14,000-word press release in which he stated that if The Martian maintained at least an 8.1 rating on IMDB for the next six months, then he will rescue Matt Damon from Mars.
This not-so-outrageous, Mars pipeline proposal pretty much guarantees that Trump will win the next infinite Presidential elections.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.