My dad reviews Star Wars VII. Enjoy (or cry).
Note: there are multiple spoilers, but you’ve got to be kidding me if you haven’t seen this movie by now.
I was very disappointed after the hype and hoopla around this Star Wars episode and how it was supposed to be the best ever. I assume I was expecting the impossible from the Star Wars sweat shop.
The plot was predictable, the characters were flat, undeveloped, and unconvincing. The battle scenes and duels were carbon copy repetitions of the other 978 Star Wars movies, and so were the desert trading-post scenes with the stupid intergalactic bar full of weird and ridiculous aliens wearing what was clearly rubber suits and masks like in the old days before the age of computerized animation.
The stupid BB-8 chirping droid and its annoying R2D2 and C3PO cousins were fit for an audience no older than 12. A stormtrooper and a scavenger girl who have never had any training whatsoever are engaging a Jedi in a lightsaber duel and live to tell about it?
And give me a break with this son-against-father motif. We had enough of it with Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. The special effects were very good, alas they depicted physical impossibilities almost without exception (e.g., spaceships or fighters making noise as they fly by in space or doing maneuvers and dogfights that are only possible in the presence of an atmosphere, or a gigantic ship like the Millennium Falcon hitting the ground or mowing down half the forest without breaking apart or sustaining any damage whatsoever).
It is also mind boggling that a civilization thousands of years into the future which can build spaceships the size of the island of Madagascar or bigger and which has the technology to sap whole suns dry of their energy and remotely destroy entire planetary systems through hyperspace cannot build simple laser cannons or missiles for the defense of its flagship or its headquarters that do not miss their targets 99% of the time.
Then there’s a deeper misconception when it comes to the sheer insanity and inanity of “ruling the galaxy.” Ha! I do not suppose George Lucas and his successors have any inkling of the impossibility, impracticality, and meaningless of such a task. Our galaxy, any galaxy for that matter, is so vast in terms of size and number of stars that it’s simply mind boggling. As an analogy, what is the meaning of one amoeba or even a billion, a trillion, a quadrillion amoebas ruling Earth? How does that even work? Yet, in Star Wars, a few humans accompanied by a few thousand stormtroopers conquer or seek to conquer the galaxy. A thousand amoebas “conquering” Australia would make more sense.
In short, this is a movie for either the very young or the scientifically-challenged people who also do not mind inconsistencies, illogicalities, impossibilities, inanities, and shallowness every other second. A movie like Avatar runs rings around any Star Wars movie even though it is not perfect itself.
Oh, I forgot the stupidest thing ever: explosion sounds in space… THERE’S NO SOUND IN SPACE!?
I would give it a 9 out of 10 on the Dolt scale.
For more information on what the hell “dolt” means, click here.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.