On a walk through the woods with my wife and dog, we came to a lake and saw a family cooling their feet on the shore. We exchanged greetings with the family, and they asked about my bitch’s breed. I told them my wife’s grandparents are Ukrainian Jews. Then, out of nowhere, our conversation surfaced an amazing question:
I was born for these types of questions.
The sissy millennial may say that an individual’s genetics and culture doesn’t necessarily determine their set of talents. It’s based on your education and passions. But I promise you that isn’t my conclusion here.
Let me preface my version of Cultural Utopia by asking a rhetorical question that I will answer for you just in case you’re a sissy millennial.
Question: Is a generalization racist if it’s a compliment?
Answer: No. Because as long as they are POSITIVE, generalizations help us understand the differences and advantages of cultures. They are also funny as f*ck if you have an ounce of a sense of humor.
Furthermore, by way of common sense, we understand that not every individual of a culture falls under a specific generalization. Common sense also dictates that certain generalizations might be false, but that doesn’t mean it’s offensive.
Disclaimer: Please leave if you disagree with anything I’ve said before this sentence because it’s only going to get worse for you. And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even if those feelings are hurt for unwarranted reasons. I’m racial, I’m not racist.
Also, get off my lawn.
Here’s how I would organize my country based on the attributes of certain cultures.
President – I’d allow almost anyone to become president, but the only people allowed to vote are Canadians, the Swiss, and Scandinavians. Regardless of the situation, those people always seem to keep a cool head.
Military – Southerners, Texans, and Aryans may all join the military, but the General would be someone of Persian, Spartan, or Roman descent.
When you can beat 10,000 with 300, or when you dominate a region for over 1,000 years, you’ve earned the right to lead an army.
Financial Advisors – The Jews. Remember, it’s not racist if it’s positive. Jews are good with money because they only spend it if the wife needs JEWelry.
Note: That one was suggested by the non-Jewish family we met at the lake. And this is how much I was offended: ZERO.
Nutritional and Health Advisers – Hippies from farmers’ markets. Say what you want about their lack of soap, questionable hygiene, and oddly placed piercings, at least they eat healthy.
Ministers of Dinner – I had a hard time with this one. There are so many types of amazing food: Italian, French, American-Chinese, Mexican, Brazilian… But if there’s one culture that can cook it all, it’s the Japanese.
The Japanese do sushi, noodles, hibachi, chicken, and steak. Those five things basically cover every type of restaurant experience out there. They are an all-in-one foodservice option. Perfectly efficient for my Utopia. However, they happen to suck at breakfast and dessert, so we have different ministers for those.
Lords of Beer – The Belgians. I am probably biased because my favorite bar is The Publick House in Brookline, Massachusetts.
Ministers of Breakfast – Americans.
Ministers of Coffee and Dessert – The French.
Prime Ministers of Partying – Brazilians and Las Vegas Casino Owners. Casino owners aren’t technically a culture, but there needs to be some sort of shared responsibility here because Las Vegas never sleeps, and Brazilians throw the best parties (Mardi Gras).
Scientist – I would have one scientist. The scientist would be a hybrid of Indian, Japanese, Chinese, Israeli, and a sprinkle of Einstein’s sperm. He/She/She-He would be immortal and indestructible. Not even Zeus could decide she-he’s fate.
Kings of Psychology – Caribbean People. “Everything is gonna be alright” is exactly what I need to hear on those shitty days.
Spiritual Leaders – Native Americans and the Greeks. Although I’m not religious, I do love me some spiritualism and old-school polytheism.
Spiritual Native Americans seem so peaceful and tolerant, especially considering the atrocities committed against them throughout American history.
As for polytheism, who wouldn’t love a system with a God of War, God of the Ocean, Goddess of Beauty, and so on.
Monotheism just seems so lazy and boring to me.
“Rabbi, we don’t have the time to write fables about multiple Gods. Can we keep it to one?”
“As long as it’s ready by the Shabbos, occcchy doccchy*.”
If your culture wasn’t listed here, then I’m sorry. I don’t know every culture like the back of my furry, Jewish hand. And even if your culture doesn’t have a job on this list, then you can join me on the farm. I love working in the sun.
Remember: Everyone is welcome into Cultural Utopia because, unlike Donald Trump, I don’t discriminate!