Pregnant women are known for their peculiar cravings, specifically with food combinations they desire; bacon and ice cream, scallops and cheese, cereal and ketchup. They also complain about pain and tiredness. According to trustworthy chauvinistic sources, they may or may not be doing that to get their husband to do house chores for them.
Not surprisingly, nobody gives a crap about a man’s cravings and needs while his wife is pregnant. Here’s what you can expect from your husband while you’re pregnant, and what you should most certainly do to alleviate them.
A man becomes hungry around the hours 6 to 8 am, 12 to 2 pm, and 6 to 8 pm, also known as the hours of breakfast, lunch, and dinner, respectively. It is advised that you have meals prepared for him so that he doesn’t go hungry and get angry, also known as hangry.
Possible meals you could cook your husband:
A man likes drinky drinky on the weekends. It helps him forget that he has to live the rest of his life with you. So let the man drink. Don’t tell him he can’t drink just because you can’t. That’s like your husband telling you that you have to watch the NFL Draft for four hours.
He’s helping deliver your baby, so it’s only fair that you deliver him a drink once a week. You don’t necessarily have to buy the alcohol for him (unless the liquor store is on the way to wherever you’re going).
Possible drinks you could prepare for your husband
While you’re pregnant, sports is still the most important thing in his life. Second place would be you, and third place is your future child. And don’t be offended by these rankings. You may be too ashamed to admit it, but remember that, deep inside, you know you like your dog more than your husband.
Days in which you will have to give up the TV for his sports (or video games):
Men love sex. Shocking, but true. At this point in your relationship you don’t have to pretend to like it anymore, but you do have to ‘shake-and-bake’ about once a week. C’mon now.
Minimum number of times per month you have to ‘shake and bake’: 4.
When unable to shake and bake, it is advised you reward him with additional, complaint-free TV time.
Men don’t want to hear your groans and heavy breathing all night. We get it, you’re in pain (or claim to be), so why do you have to wake him up at 2 a.m.? Tell your husband he can sleep on the couch, or second bedroom, so that he doesn’t have to put up with your noise and shiftiness in bed.
Don’t be that pregnant wife who says, “But we have to sleep in the same bed. Don’t sleep in the other room! That’s disrespectful!”
Okay, if you’re going to say that, then next time don’t complain when he comes bumbling and stumbling drunk into the bedroom after a night watching the game with the guys.
Pregnant women always forget to bring things to bed: water, crackers, the ginger drops. So before going into bed… GET IT YOURSELF! Even while you’re full-blown pregnant, your man weighs just as much as you, or close to it. It’s just as difficult for him to lift his fat ass off the bed to get you crackers, as it is for you.
The jury is out: Being pregnant is not that difficult. You sit on the couch all day, sleep until noon on the weekends, and you get to eat like a fat person. What’s more, you always have the ultimate excuse for eating all that crap:
Lies. You’re not eating for two people. You’re eating for about 1.1 people. But we don’t care how much you eat or what your excuse is. We just want the freedom to continue being men, while you continue to allow us to sleep in your house.