I finally figured out what being pregnant is like. And ladies, the jig is up.
My wife has been pregnant for 20 weeks with what is supposedly my baby. Aside the bump in her stomach, which is slowly becoming as big as the bump on her backside, I’ve noticed some bodily and emotional changes coming from her.
She hasn’t had weird cravings, such as bacon with ice cream. But she consistently has at least two breakfasts, often up to three. And then she eats progressively less throughout the day. I have the exact opposite eating routine. I have nothing for breakfast, and then eat all my calories between 12 to 8pm.
So though eating times are different, the amount we eat per day is equal.
I used to be the lead trumpet in the house, but now it’s debatable. Lately she’s unleashing noises that I’ve never thought possible from a 4 foot 11 inch woman… but from an obese man or rhinoceros, for sure.
She just wants to sit on the couch and watch TV. Pretty much how I want to spend my nights and weekends, too. Except trade TV with video games.
I’m doing much more around the house in the past few months because of her energy level; laundry, dishes, cleaning, you name it. And please understand that I’m in no way a chauvinist or complaining about this. The more of that crap I do, the more video game time I earn. Mario coin sounds go off in my head every time she says, “Can you do the dishes?”
Before she was pregnant, she used to wear my t-shirts to bed because they were comfortable. Now she demanded access to my entire wardrobe because literally nothing of hers fits her anymore.
The doctors never told me that when this lady gets pregnant she becomes as clumsy as me. And I have a feeling that whoever created the brand Mr. Clean did so while he was married to a pregnant woman. I have never cleaned this much in my life.
Luckily she uses the toilet. But this is totally out of character. She used to bark at me, “Can you close the door when you pee in the middle of the night so you don’t WAKE ME UP?!”
And now, when the roles are reversed, guess who’s not closing the door?!
After I devoured half a big bag of Cape Cod chips (it was a Saturday midnight video-game session, don’t judge me), my wife yelped the next morning, “What happened to all my chips?!”
Let me repeat that: It was the morning… Who gets mad about chips that early? ‘Hangriness’ shouldn’t happen until at least noon.
Let’s add up all the things I said about this pregnant woman:
Do those “attributes” remind you of something or someone… perhaps a certain type of homosapien… hint: starts with ‘ma’ ends with ‘le.’
Yes, you got it! A male. Being pregnant is like being a man.
So gentlemen, the next time your wife says, “You don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant!”
Actually, you do. You’ve felt like that since birth. You fart, you eat a lot, you are tired, you are lazy, and all you want to do is SIT ON THE DAMN COUCH AND WATCH YOUR SPOUSE DO THE HOUSEWORK!